Bitch-Back Is Back! So Is Robsten! (Duh)

Kimberley French/Summit Entertainment

Dear Ted:
Is Robsten still together and going strong in love?
—Laud

Dear Twilight Love:
Hell-friggin'-oh, we've been telling you all along they were totally happy in Robstenland. We consider it a sign they're going pretty strong if they've been spotted everywhere from Big Bear to the U.K. together over the holiday season. You should, too. Fauxmances just don't travel with the same stealth, sorry, Robsten-haters.

Dear Ted:
Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson have been MIA lately and I found this; isn't that proof enough that the two are together? Kristen went to visit Rob; if that doesn't scream couple then I don't know what does.
—Faye

Dear Yes and Yes:
You don't dash all the way across the pond just to sightsee...especially if you were recently there doing Twilight promotion anyway.

Dear Ted:
Now that the real Morgan Mayhem acknowledged she is Morgan Mayhem on Twitter, do you think that Toothy Tile will follow her trend and admit he is Toothy?
—Florian

Dear Tweet the Truth:
Uh, is that really considered an acknowledgement? Also, Toothy would never tweet his sexuality.

Dear Ted:
This isn't a question, it's a plea to Charlie Sheen's wife...Do not go back! I never thought my man would harm me. It started out as mental abuse, and it gradually got worse. Until he tried to kill me one night. I escaped. Barely. It will only escalate. Trust me. Don't go back and give him another chance to finish what he started. We don't want to read about you in the obits.
—Che

Dear Inspiration:
So sorry to hear you had to go through something similar, but grateful you escaped. Let's hope Brooke Mueller is as smart as you, doll. Shame, 'cause I really do like Sheen. It's amazing what alcohol will make you do.

Dear Ted:
Nice, now some people are saying that Robert Pattinson is gay and Kristen is lesbian, and some idiots are saying that you are lying to us about Robsten, seriously? They are really together, right? I mean it's not a PR stunt. Can you tell us the truth even if is a bad thing?
—Kate

Dear Echo in the Room:
Jiminy Christmas how many times must I say it? Clearly it's not a PR stunt...do you see Robsten getting papped everywhere they go? Nothing about their relaysh is convenient. Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner they are not.

Dear Ted:
2009 has been the year of the fake. Can we hope for Gillovny in 2010? Or do we have to bear even more David and Téa fake?
—X

Dear Crushed Dreams:
Unless there's another X-Files bomb, I'm not seeing Gillovny in the future.

Dear Ted:
Hope your vacation was a success. Question for you: Is Kellan Lutz on your "team"? He gives off a certain macho vibe that's too over-the-top, plus he's great friends with Ashley Greene, who we all know would jump his bones in a second if things were consensual, plus there's a pic of him cradling Jared (JustJared), plus he hasn't admitted to being with any girls past or present. So, a player or a gay-er?
—KQ

Dear Take a Breath:
He and AnnaLynne take a page from Rob and Kristen's relaysh-book, i.e., they keep it on the DL, which usually is an anti-fauxmance sign. 'Tho Kellan's perf hair 'n' bod looks like he plays for my team, I find it doubtful.

Dear Ted:
Is it me or have you noticed that hottie Orlando Bloom has had nothing but bad luck with projects since he hooked up with skank Miranda Kerr? He should devote more serious time with his agents and managers hunting down other roles and get his career moving before he is permanently known not as an actor but Miranda's other little lapdog that follows her around sniffing at her ankles. Happy New Year!
—Endrid

Dear Blossomed:
He's hardly her lapdog, trust.

Dear Ted:
I guess I shouldn't be shocked but I am. At the rumors coming out about Paul Newman's secret bisexual life. Not that it lessens my opinion of him but I always assumed he was the "butch" (totally heterosexual) and Robert Redford as possibly bi. Redford always seemed to be hiding something. Now to find it's the other way around, Redford one of the few truly heteros in Hollywood. Nothing is as it seems I guess. Care to comment?
—Amy from Chicago

Dear Oldie But Goodie:
Newman and Woodward definitely had their differences; was sexuality one of them? I always heard so. But let's face it: They were pretty sexy together themselves. As far as Redford goes, do not even want to contemplate the sexuality of a man who would carve up his face so. At least Newman never went all girlie like that.

Dear Ted:
Welcome back and Happy New Year! We sure did miss you loads! Were you just as happy as us to see a picture showing that Kristen was in the U.K. with Rob over the holidays? I'm sure all of our Robsten hearts are still squeeing at the moment. Any other new Robsten news that you can share? We can never get enough of Robsten!
—Stephanie

Dear Good Mood:
Happy Holidays indeed, huh? Just that Kristen is going to have to make her way back pronto to gear up for Sundance...think Rob will stow away in her suitcase? We're doubtful, just because it's such an obvious paparazzi zone.

Dear Ted:
I've been doing some rummaging around in the old Blind Vice cupboard and was just wondering...do Devon Heaven and Smokey Shooter have anything in common? Love you.
—Sarah G

Dear Slinky Sleuth:
They definitely have a lot of stinky stuff in common.

Dear Ted:
So love of my Internet life, I have some guesses for you. Harry and La Feelya Fun Tanked....Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick? Smokey Shooter...Ashton Kutcher. Judas Jack-Off....Hugh Jackman. Am I close?
—Scorned Sunshine

Dear Fun Guesses:
Oh so wrong on the Fun Tanked couple...Kevin and Kyra are too normal to be Vices. As for Hugh Jackman, you've got the wrong Vice, dollface! Think less hunky, fer shizzles.

Dear Ted:
Missed you over the break. Have you seen this? Never doubted you for a moment! Is it just me or is spending the holidays 6000 miles away from home something you do with a guy you're more than friends with? Love ya, Happy New Year.
—Katie

Dear Not Just You:
Hope you toasted a glass of champagne in Robsten's honor. Let's hope they did more than that!

Dear Ted:
Is there any news about a director for Breaking Dawn? I don't mean to be snarky, but if Summit hires a "David Slade" type I am going to petition Stephenie Meyer to step in and stop it. This isn't an action story, it's a romance. Well, there is a lot of one-on-one action, but you get my drift. By the way, missed you bunches.
—Sally

Dear Early Write-Off:
Let's give Slade a chance before we diss his work. I'm all for an edgier Twilight...New Moon was missing something. I think it was the script.

Dear Ted:
I can't believe the stories out there that Brad Pitt is texting and meeting up with Jennifer Aniston on the sly. Why would she want anything to do with him since he'll be forever tied to Jolie because of the kids? Who needs that kind of drama (Jolie not the kids)! I would rather believe the story reported on one site that she's dating someone outside of the biz. Hope that is true. Ted, what's real?
—AnyTruth

Dear Team Jen:
I would be thrilled if Aniston were dating someone outside of the biz. That's the kind of man she needs. She's not crying into her Troy pillow I'll tell ya that much...and he's too whipped with Angie to miss her either.

Dear Ted:
Has Jillian Michaels ever been the subject of a Blind Vice? Love you!
—Me

Dear Biggest Winner:
But of course, babe! She's the sexiest of the sexy; remember, that's who star in our naughty archives, always. Love ya back, big-time.

Dear Ted:
Any way to respectfully request the Twilight fans to stop hijacking threads because their Robsten thread gets "too long"? Also, I love that you're vocal on shelter animals. Please let your readers know that even if they can't bring home a shelter companion, they can help by contributing dog/cat food, blankets and the like (or cash, which is always helpful) to local no-kill shelters. Love you!
—Kimber

Dear Tired of Scrolling:
Darling, there's no stopping the Robstens or Nonstens! We like our readers vocal...so hijack 'em back. And let's get puppy mills outlawed while we're rebel at it, OK?

__________

For more of Ted's smartass answers, head on over to our Bitch-Back section