TV sweeps are annoying. Are they necessary?

By: Rhodie, Illinois

A.B. Replies: Money.

See, national networks have all kinds of cash. This B!tch wouldn't be surprised if the honchos at NBC headquarters ate $1,000 bills dressed in Spanish olive oil every day, up in their platinum-paneled executive lunchroom. National networks can afford to pay for ratings research year round, and they do. Even in the deadest weeks of February, some poor pencil-neck is hunched over a drafting table somewhere in the NBC building, poring over the day's ratings and figuring exactly how much to charge to let people see some new yokel-borne disaster in the name of Vonage.

But the local TV network affiliates? Very little money, for viewer research or anything else. It takes a UN visit from Angelina Jolie just to get the Fargo programming staff a sack of rice. Even larger markets have to occasionally watch their cash. Take the NBC affiliate in Los Angeles, which recently ran a blistering investigative exposé on people smoking in restaurants. Those hidden cameras nailed many a scofflaw, let me tell you. The station called the report "Blowing Smoke." I bet that high-grade caliber of writing talent cost NBC4 most of its 2005 budget and perhaps even a good chunk of 2006.

My point: Local TV stations have smaller budgets and can't afford to pay for year-round ratings research. But they need that research to show ad buyers and set prices, so the stations concentrate their research dollars on certain key periods of the year, mainly in May and November. Then they use that data to set local advertising rates. Go-go industry types call these periods the sweeps.

So, when CBS decides to treat its viewers to a cop-on-cop killing and a child-porn case back-to-back on a Wednesday night in November, that's actually a favor to the smaller CBS affiliates, who are trying to determine how much to charge for local ad space on CSI or Without a Trace.

If Fox's Arrested Development is going to drag Charlize Theron away from her Oscar-bait movie roles and onto its sitcom set, it's going to be for an episode in May or November. Hey, look! It's Charlize Theron on Arrested Development! And then (can it be?) Chubby Checker on a very special episode of Las Vegas, only on NBC! He's still alive! Hooray! Just makes you want to hug the Peacock, doesn't it?

"The sweeps are just a guide for local markets," Karen Gymesi of Nielsen tells this B!tch.

Here's a bonus fact for you.

Gymesi says there are actually four sweeps periods, not two: February, May, July and November. But most of the cop-on-cop killings and child-porn dramas and guest appearances by Harry Connick Jr. happen in November. Now you know.