Lightning Round: All-Britney Special!

What, in your opinion, is wrong with Britney Spears?
—Joann, Tustin, California

The B!tch Replies:  You'd be frustrated, too, if you'd lost that baton Madonna passed to you a few years back. I understand Britney has taken extreme measures to find it, dumping out all 46 of her ashtrays, even scouring underneath those large delivery palettes the Cheetos truck driver leaves behind every Tuesday and Friday. She moans about privacy but obviously wants everyone to know how sad she is—otherwise, she would have shaved her head at home.

Is Britney Spears all you people care about these days? Well, apparently...just check out this week's Lightning Round.

Is Britney going to be the next Anna Nicole Smith train wreck?
—Dee, Pittsburgh

By definition, Britney would have to crawl off to someplace wealthy and warm, to fritter away her days with suspicious suppositories and starstruck government officials. I don't know—do they have Red Bull in the Bahamas?

I think Britney has a lot of dark shadows, with as many questions, lost inside her, looking for a way out. I really do not believe we have seen the REAL Britney yet, nor has she. The fast lane is all she knows; that suppresses these pains she lives with in her soul. She wants to be in love with herself and the darkness of love casts only more shadows in her.
—Jim, Quenemo, Kansas

An excellent theory. Be sure to bring it up at the next gathering of your coven.

Be honest: With everything Britney has done lately, what are the chances she'll get full custody of the kids (if there is still a chance)?
—Ellie, Logan, Utah

The consensus in the legal community seems to be that if she stays in rehab, the courts will forgive—especially if her boys are well cared for during these crucial weeks. "If the kids are in good hands and she does the right thing to ensure that, it lessens the case against her," family law expert Tamara Beyda told People last week.

I know I'm a little late, but is it possible that Britney isn't crazy at all? I think she shaved her head to avoid drug testing of her hair follicles. Unlike urine or blood testing, the hair can track your entire drug history. The rest of the freak-out is just part of an act.
—Stephanie, Oxford, North Carolina

Plenty of others have speculated as much, but remember, most of that coiffure came from extensions, not Brit's natural rat's nest.

Plus, if your theory were correct, Britney would have taken her hair with her and destroyed it, instead of leaving it on the salon floor for someone else to recover and sell. And that's exactly what seems to be happening.

And of course, when you're getting a drug test—and I hope this is information you can use, Stephanie—they can take hair from anywhere, not just your head.

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