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Ask A Question
How does Jessica still get movie gigs?
How the heck does Jessica Simpson keep getting movie roles? She stinks as an actress.
—Maria, Orange, Connecticut
The B!tch Replies: Well, back in the sepia-toned days of the Dukes of Hazzard, remember, Simpson was a tabloid magnet with a body like a Katyusha rocket. Was her marriage to Nick still solid? Who's this Knoxville fella? Were those things real? Could we glean any clues from her latest movie? That's what basically made Jessica's film career.
"She's sort of a freak act," says Tara Ariano, of the Website Television Without Pity. But be comforted: While Jessica's physical assets remain as zeppelin-esque as ever, her post-Nick film career seems to be, ahem, deflating. In fact some experts insist that Jessica is rapidly becoming the Jupiter Bounce America Loves to Ignore.
Aside from Blonde Ambition, which debuts in August, her film career has remained tepid at best. (She has only one other movie in the works, a comedy called Major Movie Star. Simpson was so excited about that one that she threw a yacht party in Cannes—to celebrate not the film's release but the fact that she would soon begin shooting.)
Her fan base, though, seems to have abandoned her. Most of those folks loved her for what she wore and the cute things she said. Now, she's not offering any of that.
"I became a fan after seeing her on Newlyweds and following in love with her image of Juicy Couture ensembles in every color, Louis Vuitton bags, Jimmy Choo heels and her signature True Religion jeans," explains Katie Haugland, owner of the fan site JessicaStyle.com. "The majority of the visitors to my Website do not like her recent low-key, all-black outfits or the grungy look she had going on when she was dating John Mayer."
Meanwhile, searches for Ms. Simpson have also diminished. That's according to Lycos, which, apparently, still exists. The search site tells me that, while Simpson was among the top 10 most searched women of Aught-Six, her popularity has dropped 60 percent over the past two months—below Britney, Hilary Duff, Carmen Electra and Saint Angelina of Namibia.
The only other real ray of hope Jessica has these days: a new album in the works. If that goes over splashily, who knows? Her acting career may once again swell to pneumatic proportions. Until then, take heart in knowing that, like you, most other people don't see her as much of an actress either.
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