How can I get Fiddy to play my bat mitzvah?

By: Sam, Danville, California

A.B. Replies: This is America. There is always at least one person who will do, get or say whatever you want for the right price. In L.A., there are rumors of a man who gets off on having pies thrown in his face by thirtysomething women; I hear he does parties. There is also a man who can render your entire face--unibrow, jug ears, the whole mess--in an Etch A Sketch in mere seconds. I know for a fact that he does parties.

In New York, there's a man named Steve Einzig. His company, BookingEntertainment.com, specializes in roping high-priced musicians into private events, including bat mitzvahs, for nonsensical amounts of cash. In many instances, the price is merely fanciful--say, $10,000--but sometimes it's in the millions of dollars.

Most singers can be had for the right price, Einzig says, and the right amenities. Exceptions: Springsteen and Clapton, who "just don't do privates," Einzig tells this B!tch. However, Fiddy is available, as are Sheryl Crow, Melissa Etheridge, the Pretenders, Joss Stone, Jon Stewart, OutKast and Lyle Lovett. Einzig has booked all of them to do private events. (Crow was going to do an Einzig-organized fundraiser this month at the Waldorf-Astoria, but after she announced she was recovering from breast cancer, Einzig's company worked to replace Crow with Etheridge.)

In the case of Fiddy, Einzig's company booked the rapper on behalf of a rich New York person with a 13-year-old daughter. The client wished Fiddy to play at the daughter's bat mitzvah reception last November, and according to several highly publicized reports and Einzig himself, that's exactly what he did.

The price tag?

"In the neighborhood of a half million dollars," Einzig tells this B!tch.

It sounds rather steep, but keep in mind Mr. Cent did not deal any dope that night or place a cap up anyone's ass, and he did sign autographs. According to Einzig, he worked the party, which was at New York's Rainbow Room, for about an hour, playing "four or five songs."

So, if you want such a luminary at your sweet 16, stag party or smoker, here's how it works. You call someone like Einzig--there are several such agents out there--and name your budget and your desired talent. Much of the cost will depend on whether your favorite artist uses a backup band or just a track; whether the artist requires a meal; whether the artist has special needs (Chrissie Hynde is a vegan); whether the artist must travel and other considerations.

Once Einzig learns a musician's price, he relays it to the client, who must pay a 10 percent binder. Once the binder arrives in escrow, then...go, shorty, it's your birthday. Or your bat mitzvah or whatever. Einzig's company fusses over the particulars, and the client just gets to show up to the event and be wealthy.

I know what you're thinking. Don't even ask what I charge. You could never, ever afford me.