How can I become a band manager?

The B!tch Replies: Run, son! Run as far away from this career as you possibly can! I just called a staffer at one of the biggest music management firms in the business, and she told me her job is so crazy complicated mere words can never do it justice.

"It's not something that can be taught," she snorted. "Not taught in school, anyway, or given free advice for. It's not like I can just describe it in a sentence or two. I mean, can you describe your job in a sentence or two?"

Actually, yeah: I report and write a column, podcast and radio show for E!—you know, the Countdown Network? But never mind. This management company shall remain nameless, as will its clients, although if you were to think of a platinum-blond skank princess turned retro pop diva, you wouldn't be terribly far off.

"I'm sure there are books out there your reader can find," my generous source concluded. "I don't know which ones, but if he goes to Book Soup, I'm sure he can find one."

Congratulations on choosing such a bighearted profession, Harry. As long as you remain in contact with the outside world, your heart shouldn't blacken and turn into coal for at least another six years.

To be fair, some aspects of a manager's career do defy explanation. Sharon Osbourne probably spends hours a day steering her client-slash-husband away from French doors, picture windows and anything else Ozzy may accidentally walk into.

But the truth is, music management can be distilled into simple terms. In a sentence: Music managers are liaisons between labels, publicists, agents, security, merchandisers, fan clubs and promoters, ensuring that everyone is doing what they're supposed to do on behalf of a musical client. The goal: to make sure the talent can simply concentrate on being cute and lucrative.

"A manager is the conductor of the orchestra," explains Noah Stone, who worked with Joss Stone at Gold Mountain Entertainment before striking out as a musician himself. "Not everyone talks to everyone else in this business, but everyone talks to the manager."

Managers for undiscovered music acts spend much of their time "trying to get a band signed," Stone tells this B!tch. "Calling and sending out packages to people, having lunches and making sure people are listening."

Managers for touring musicians assure that each concert is surrounded by all the proper hype—interviews with madcap morning radio crews, that sort of thing. Whenever J.Lo went on tour, former manager Benny Medina always made sure his client's dressing rooms contained only white furniture and white flowers.

And managers for rising stars, like Joss Stone, spend a lot of time saying no to studios and other would-be leeches eager to overexpose a client at just the wrong time.

Managers can't book gigs for clients, but they can do pretty much everything else and earn 10 to 15 percent in the process. Your best route to success, Noah Stone advises: Get your band noticed. Get them live gigs or, better yet, a record or publishing deal.

"Then," he says, "you get hired by a big management firm by bringing that band with you to the company. You'll work with your band day by day and forge the relationships you need to become a bigger manager."

Oh, but do keep in mind, Harry, that this kind of alchemy can never, really, be taught.