American Music Awards: Tame TV

Number of bleeps within the show's opening monologue: seven.

Celebrities embarrassed by bawdy opening repartee: two (Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake).

Pampered pooches on stage: one (Mini).

Biggest surprise: The usually disheveled Jack Osbourne, who cleaned up nicely with a black suit and fedora (we knew you had it in you, Jacko).

And that's about as wild as it got as the foul-mouthed Osbourne family hosted the 30th annual American Music Awards last night.

In fact, Ma and Pa Osbourne and their crazy brood put on a (disappointingly) subdued show at Los Angeles' Shrine Auditorium. Sure, daughter Kelly changed outfits five times, but couch potatoes had plenty of time to fetch refreshments and take bathroom breaks.

Aside from Sharon's embarrassing flirtation with junior Justin ("I'm going to have to take him, Britney. He's all mine," she taunted Spears) there were few eyebrow-raisers at the AMAs, whose live broadcast was dedicated to the memory of the late Bee Gee Maurice Gibb, who died on Sunday.

R&B star Ashanti, who went into the evening with five nominations, failed to make it a sweep. The music-biz newbie went home with matching bookend awards for Favorite New Artist in Pop/Rock and Hip-Hop/R&B.

Eminem picked up where Ashanti left off with mirror awards for Favorite Artist and Album in Pop/Rock and Hip-Hop/R&B. But music's bad boy didn't even show to collect his four awards; instead, the artist had his 8 Mile costar Mekhi Phifer accept the Favorite Hip Hop/R&B Album award for him. "Hey y'all, this is Eminem on the phone!" said the actor as he carried a cell phone onstage.

Multiplatinum music veterans Sheryl Crow, whose T-shirt urged the audience to give peace a chance, and absentee nominee Mary J. Blige showed they've still got what it takes as the two women won Pop/Rock Favorite Female Artist and Hip-Hop/R&B Favorite Female Artist, respectively.

Creed, meanwhile, nabbed trophies for Favorite Pop/Rock Band and Alternative Music Artist. And OutKast was honored for Favorite Hip-Hop/R&B group.

On the country side, Tim McGraw won repeat honors for Favorite Male Artist. While the country crooner launched the show with a rendition of "Tiny Dancer" accompanied by Elton John tickling the ivories, the singer had split by the time his award was announced.

The evening's most powerful performance came from Mariah Carey, the bestselling female artist of all time, who dedicated her performance of "Through the Rain" to her father, Alfred Roy Carey, who passed away last year.

Otherwise, it was a tame evening at Dick Clark's annual alterna-Grammys, where winners are chosen through a nationwide poll of record buyers.

A modestly clothed Christina Aguilera, whose dress had so much fabric to spare it draped on the ground, put in a powerful performance with a medley from her new album Stripped minus the traditional butt-crack distractions.

Rival pop princess Spears, who introduced Shania Twain, wore a white off-the-shoulder dress that looked something like Björk's swan dress minus the bird's head, while Twain's plunging pantsuit did not extend to expose her navel.

The country-pop star's performance, which included climbing up to the nosebleed section where the masses were stashed, was about as scintillating as the beige outfit she sported.

Meanwhile, a special merit award was presented with a snooze-inducing pretaped appearance by former President George Bush, who honored the good ol' boys of country music, Alabama, who announced their retirement last year.

The flashiest performances of the evening came from the hip-hop contingent, who must have missed the cover-yourselves-up dress-code memo.

Scantily clad dancers shook their groove thangs along with Ja Rule and Bobby Brown, who dueted on "Thug Lovin'." (Interspersed throughout the awards show were clips of AMAs past which showed Brown and Whitney Houston in better days.)

Other bump-and-grind acts were B2K, who sang their chart-topping hit "Bump, Bump, Bump," and Adidas-sporting Missy Elliott, who sang her raunchy hit "Work It."

Here's a complete rundown of the night's winners:

POP/ROCK

Male Artist: Eminem Female Artist: Sheryl Crow Band, Duo or Group: Creed Album: The Eminem Show, Eminem New Artist: Ashanti

HIP-HOP/R&B

Male Artist: Eminem Female Artist: Mary J. Blige Band, Duo or Group: OutKast Album: The Eminem Show, Eminem New Artist: Ashanti

COUNTRY

Male Artist: Tim McGraw Female Artist: Martina McBride Band, Duo or Group: Dixie Chicks Album: Home, Dixie Chicks New Artist: Carolyn Dawn Johnson

ADULT CONTEMPORARY

Artist: Celine Dion

LATIN MUSIC

Artist: Enrique Iglesias

ALTERNATIVE MUSIC

Artist: Creed

CONTEMPORARY INSPIRATIONAL

Artist: Avalon

SOUNDTRACK

Favorite Soundtrack: Spider-Man

COCA-COLA NEW MUSIC AWARD: Moe Loughran

SPECIAL AWARD OF MERIT: Alabama

FANS CHOICE AWARD: Nelly