All in a Day's Weave

More behind Britney’s buzz-happy hairdo and her second rehab-for-a-day foray, why Tina Turner looks oh so surprised in Milan, Ashlee Simpson’s southern hospitality and reality-show he-ho Brody Jenner's classless act! Oh, on Baldgate, the increasingly unappetizing, spiraling life of one Britney Spears (why couldn't Brit-hon have gone all glam-trash with those Eva Gabor-esque wigs, like Whitney?), I'm hearing two more addendums in regard to yesterday's column. Ya know: the missive that mentioned Ms. Es was greatly influenced by a script she read recently.

She read it last December (of '06). Its lead character, some chick named Megan, decides the only way to cleanse her sordid life is to shave off all her locks, à la Britney in the Valley, last weekend.

Life imitating unfilmed art? And, ya know, Britney's ex (the second one) and his chums ain't too disappointed with these turns of hairless events. At least the chums are shootin' their mouths off, to moi. They say they're only too happy about Bald Brit, as K-Schmuck's chances of a better settlement—not to mention stronger custody arrangements—now grow right alongside Britney's new hair. Eva Longoria and Tony Parker, dancin' till dawn. The lovebirds hosted a party at Pure in Vegas on Saturday night, joined by Cameron Diaz and Rosie Perez. While Tony hung with his B-ball boys, the gals became fast friends and were "inseparable all night" while they danced, chatted it up and drank Chardonnay, reports Desk Sin City. Tony, always the gentleman, upgraded to bottles of Cristal for the babes and kept the party poppin' till 3 ayem. Darling duos in less splashy locales include… Jessica Simpson, still on tour with b-f John Mayer. John was playing at Murray State University in Kentucky, and Jess-doll came for the sound check. J.M. talked to fans, while Jess stayed away. Is she trying to let John have the limelight, or is she just not as nice as Ashlee? Also interesting is Jess did not attend the actual concert, according to couple-witnesses. I'm sure J.S. had a very important hair appointment or something else equally urgent. Former performers elsewhere include...

Michael Jackson, dining in the dark. Jacko hit Tao in Las Vegas with four friends, where he arrived through a private entrance. Wacko-Freako wore all black and sunglasses, natch, while he nibbled on chicken satay and lobster wontons. Also spotted at said locale later that night: semidiscreet honeys Nelly and Ashanti. Doing some Saturday shopping in Hell-Ay was...

Thom Filicia, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guru (and soon-to-be star of Style Network's new series Dress My Nest, premiering Mar. 28), browsing in Crate & Barrel at the Grove. Kinda ironic, considering he's been a pitchman in the past for Pier 1, huh? Mr. Ef was wearing a yellow tee and black jeans and is "totally smokin' " in person, according to my drooling onlooker. Don't forget to wipe! Nice to see that not everyone has lost their marbles and manners here in H'wood lately. Ashlee Simpson hit the packed ladies' room at Teddy's on Saturday night. And not only did her Texas tush wait in the long line with everybody else, she even offered to let girls in front of her, once she reached the front.

"You can go ahead!" offered Miz Simpson, in a black dress and red heels, to the girls behind her. Guess Tinseltown hasn't taken away her southern hospitality...yet.

Also seen at Teddy's that night (as well as myriad other Hell-Ay hot spots this weekend): freshly rehabbed and recharged Lindsay Lohan, with her must-have accessory o' the moment: a water bottle, natch. What, no further accoutrements from that new line Lindsay loves so, sobriety couture? Hmmm...Now, I'm not saying L.L. was hydrating herself with any alcohol bevs, but again, I gotta ask: Is constant clubbing right after rehab the best way to avoid temptation and stay sober? If you think it is, you prolly think Brit looks hot as a baldie, too.

“For the guy to talk about himself the entire time!” It wasn't that long ago that Lauren Conrad gave me that little gem when I asked what a dude could do to guarantee no second date with her. So, no wonder it didn't work out between her and Brody Jenner, the self-adoring, star-effing sleaze-muffin.

He basically admits in a recent interview that his "dating" Nicole Richie was actually an attempt to raise his profile. Nice. Let's see, now…He's already gone through a Laguna Beach be-yotch, a Simple Life starlet and a honey from The Hills. Who's left for Brody to latch onto in the reality-show realm?

Oh, oh, I know! Tori Spelling is filming an Oxygen reality show right now about a B&B she's starting with hubby Dean McDermott. What if B.J. got Tori to dump Dean? Then he could play the doting baby daddy! That'd get the desperate dude some Hollywood headlines, huh?

(Semi-) seriously though, I have a fab idea for Brody's next celeb conquest: someone who's just as much of an attention hon and equally self-directed...Paris Hilton, who just so happens to be currently filming The Simple Life Season 7,290. You can thank me later, bro.