Jersey Shore: The Totally Straight Story Behind the Totally Gay Village Voice Cover

Jersey Shore's Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, and Vinny Guadagnino have landed the cover of the special "Queer Issue" of Village Voice magazine. But according to reports, the boys didn't know it was the annual "Queer Issue" they were posing for. Well, lucky for you loyal Soup fan,  we have a transcript of what we believe went down on the set of the shoot...

 (The Village Voice photographer fiddles with his camera. Mike enters. He's shirtless)

Mike: Hey, this ain't the gay issue is it?

Village Voice: No.

Mike: Good. Yo, I shredded my abs all morning for this. Check it, they're bangin'.

Village Voice: Nice.

Mike: Don't just look at 'em, bro. You gotta touch 'em to fully appreciate The Situation.

Village Voice: Um, OK.

(Photographer reluctantly touches his abs)

Village Voice: OK, yeah, they're impressive.

(Vinny enters)

Vinny: Hey, this ain't the gay issue is it?

Village Voice: No.

Vinny: Good, cause I don't play that sh-t.

(Vinny rips his shirt off)

Vinny: Yo Mikey, help oil me up, bro.

Mike: How 'bout I do you while you do me?

Vinny: Let's do each otha' then.

(Mike and Vinny begin rubbing oil on each other's chests simultaneously)

Mike: That's right. All over the pecs.

Vinny: Good. Now let's do the backs.

(They stand face to face, reach their arms all the way around each other in a full body hug, and in this manner rub oil on the other one's back. The Village Voice photographer stares awkwardly at the floor. Ronnie enters. He's nude)

Ronnie: Aw no, did I miss oil time?

Mike: Sorry bro, we just finished.

Village Voice (to Ronnie): Ah...you know this isn't a nude shoot. You just need to be topless, not bottomless.

Ronnie: I know bro, and I will be. But I gotta get bronzed up first. And when I bronze, I bronze all over. I don't do nothin' half way. That's the way the ladies like it.

Village Voice: That's the way the ladies like it?

Ronnie: Yeah, what are you deaf? Alright Mikey, Vinny, get over here and work me 'til I'm brown. Mikey you do my front and Vinny hit the back. Remember, nothin' half way. Get in every last crevice. Oh, this ain't the gay issue, right?

Village Voice: You know what? This is the gayest issue we've ever done.

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Check out the gang storming the left coast in our Jersey Shore Hits Hollywood gallery.

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