Weekend Peep Show: These Movies Will Give You the Munchies

Paramount Pictures

Next
Once upon a time, there was an actress who had such a great face, such booming talent that she could do anything. She made wonderful movies like Boogie Nights and Magnolia and The Hours. Then she decided to make things exciting and crapfest it up every now and then.

Yep, Julianne Moore shares the screen with Nicolas Cage and Jessica Biel in the kind of movie where a ball of fire is featured on the poster. Hey, we all got to have fun. But Next breaks my heart, to think of what wonders Nic and Julianne could do together and know that they opt to do hi-lowbrow-jinks. Yep, that means it's time to pass the kutchie.

Yari Film Group

Kickin' It Old Skool
I went through this phase where I watched Jamie Kennedy's Malibu's Most Wanted like three or four times a week. I can feel that happening with Kickin', in which Jamie busts some scary-ass moves as a guy who wakes up from a 20-year coma and embarks on a quest to reunite his breakdancing group. It's like the Wayans brothers pantheon, only, you know, whiter. I'm gonna say my parachute-pants prayers for Kickin'. We need more wacky comedies, dammit.

No, I am not so enthusiastic because I had so much fun at the premiere, where everyone dressed '80s and were all given complimentary scrunchies. I would be pumped for this even if they made us wear the scrunchies. Hey, David Hasselhoff has a cameo. Does he sing, too? Let's hope so.

Magnolia Pictures

Anyone who writes something that requires Rudd to show us his hairy chest is good by me. Diggers is also deliciously anti-Hollywood, it's not simple, there are no pat solutions, people are messed up, that's it. And almost everyone in the movie smokes, and it's not because they are Bad Evil Amoral People.

Also, the '70s are cool, but Marino totally gets that just because you have a lot of hipstery flannel shirts and neat beat-up cars doesn't mean you get to kick back. Massive bonus points: It's perfectly paced, and you won't go nuts fidgeting as you wait for it to end already. When's the last time you could say that about a movie, right?

Spy Glass Entertainment Group

The Invisible
Whenever I talk to people in the 90210 about this Ghost-ly thriller they get the giggles. See, pretty boy Justin Chatwin has made quite an impression lately. I'm told that while promoting his movie, he comes off like he, too, has been hanging out with Snoop. Just an act, I'm sure, but you know, Justin was in SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2, and I bet it takes a lot to recover from that. So, the movie, right. Okay, teens are invisible except to each other. But it's way Hollywood, because they're hot and hot teenagers are never invisible.

Lionsgate

The Condemned
You don't mess with Stone Cold Steve Austin. Okay, you do. You trap him in prison even though he did nothing wrong. Then you let a TV producer buy him and trap him on an island where a bunch of huge, scary dudes are trying to kill each other. It sounds like a videogame. I don't play videogames. I don't know what else to say. I can see this appealing to boys and man-boys, but oh man. Let's light a candle and bow our heads to the women in this fair land who might just be wrangled into wrestling-related drama.

Matt Nettheim/Sony Pictures Classics

Here's another question: If you're white and said victim is an black woman, are you an even sicker, more twisted, cold-hearted bastard? These are such profound, moving questions—no surprise, as Jindabyne is based on a Raymond Carver short story. And who better to delve into them than heavyweights Gabriel Byrne and Laura Linney? It's heavy, haunting and more than worth the hour and a half you might have to drive to get a peek at this beauty. Whoa. I said "heavy." Anyone got any Cheetos?

Sing Now or Forever Hold Your Peace
In college, I lived above this arch where a cappella groups were constantly singing. It permanently impeded by ability to enjoy "No One Is to Blame." So the fact that Sing Now, which is about a college a cappella group reuniting 15 years later, is not massively annoying is amazing. Said amazingness is largely due to Mark Feuerstein, who needs to stick to making movies and step away from the TV set once and for all. Mmmm...TV. Anyone got any potato chips?