Transformers

Dreamworks

Review in a Hurry:  Giant robots drop from the sky and transform into colossal structures of suck. Stuff blows up. The talking gadgets attempt to save humanity, but changing a flat tire provides more of a thrill than this flick.

Bigger Picture:  If there was any moment for Michael Bay to shine, it would be with a movie like Transformers. Yet, instead of giving us a high-octane adrenaline-pumping actionfest that movie audiences would gladly slurp up in this summer slump, the imperial overlord of big budgets spurts out yet another overhyped and underwhelming waste of time and money. Transformers is clunky, heartless and boring. The bots are stripped of any personality, the humans are irritating, and there is not a single decent action sequence to behold. Not one—can you believe that?

This disaster of a tectonic scale is partially propped up, however, by the surprisingly enthralling Shia LaBeouf. LaBeouf's easy charm and impeccable comedic delivery occasionally jump-starts this otherwise soulless heap of junk.

Beyond that, the plot is abysmally nonsensical. Evil gadget thingies one-up all those pissed-off Sunni insurgents by annihilating a large American military base in Iraq. Next, they hack into the Department of Defense, but praise Allah that the DOD has brought in a superhot Australian chick who, when she's not wearing nipple-tight clothes, is making the world safe for democracy by cracking the evil robots' codes.

Meanwhile, across town there's Sam (LaBeouf), a geeky high schooler whose bitchin' new Camaro transforms into a talking gadget thingy too—but it's one of the good robots! But will the good robots triumph over the evil robots? Will Sam make out with a Lindsay Lohan look-alike? Will he?

The photocopy machines at Kinko's have more warmth and excitement than these cold bundles of metal who sputter out irritating pop phrases like "my bad" and "just chillin'."

And the awful writing doesn't just stop there. Bay's cadre of hacks are so self-aware of the fact that they're making a worthless action movie, they load the thing up with wink-wink, nudge-nudge jokes to the audience. Just plain annoying, instead of endearing.

The writers also try to compensate for their lack of humor by clogging the movie with coarse, casual racism: bumbling immigrants with funny accents repeatedly get in the way of brazen American soldiers trying to save the world. While this wasn't particularly shocking, or insulting, what's shockingly insulting is Bay's inability to deliver on what he was born to do. Instead, he transformed hundreds of millions of dollars into some hollow twisted junk that belongs on the scrap pile.

The 180—a Second Opinion:  The robots are visually seamless, so there are some moments of nostalgia-induced excitement, seeing old cartoon characters come to life. If you like your CGI straight, without the frills of plot or humor, then you maybe be pleased with Transformers.