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Paris' Outta Jail Netflix Queue

Tue., Jun. 26, 2007 12:20 AM PDT by Caroline Kepnes

Columbia Pictures/ZUMAPress.com

I don’t know about Paris Hilton, but when I’m suffering from “medical” problems, I like to curl up and watch movies. Yes, I realize that Lynwood Women’s Correctional Facility probably doesn’t host a movie night. But once Paris is back home in West Hollywood, she might want to avoid recidivism by indulging in a marathon of some of Hollywood’s greatest (and tackiest) babes-behind-bars flicks. Here are five to get her started on the road to wellness.

To Get the Superiority Complex Back: Girls in Prison
Ione Skye plays a totally innocent girl in 1952 who gets framed for a murder she didn’t commit. Like, that is so not hot. Behind bars, a gang totally messes with sweet Ione. Anne Heche plays one of the gang leaders. This movie is as psycho and weird as it sounds. And it will make Paris feel better, because I’d be willing to bet a lot of money that her experience was not nearly as horrid.

To Heal Through Laughter: The Big Doll House
Ah, there’s nothing like an exploitation movie set in a wretched prison in the Philippines to put a girl on the road to wellness. Paris will get a huge kick out of Pam Grier’s star-making turn as a bitter lesbian inmate. This movie is so campy, so ‘70s, so Roger Corman, so schlocky. Best of all, it’s only an hour and 34 minutes long, so Paris won’t get bored. Hot!

To Reawaken That Capitalist Drive: Chicago
This movie can help Paris on two levels. First, there’s the plot we all know. Roxie Hart (Renée Zellweger) dreams of being on murderess row so she can steal the tabloid spotlight from Velma Kelly (Catherine Zeta-Jones). And then there’s the real-life story. Zellweger and Zeta-Jones get, like, mad amounts of attention and awards for their performances. Paris, you are the number one gossip story going, to the extent that nobody really even cares if Nicole Richie might be pregnant. Find a ghostwriter and book the talk-show appearances, like, immediately.

For Tips on How to Convince America That You Really Did Find God: Ruthless People
A spoiled Beverly Hills brat (Bette Midler) gets kidnapped and held hostage in a yucky basement (not technically prison but very much not the Ritz). She’s so hated that her own husband (Danny DeVito) won’t pay the ransom. But in the movie, Bette’s character discovers an exercise bike, loses weight the natural way and becomes a much nicer person. Paris, if you’re serious about the Buddha books you carried around and the cute little trip to church you made, you’re gonna need to step it up. You will be mega-inspired by this movie. I swear.

To Stop the Self-Pity: The Spitfire Grill
A woman (Alison Elliott) gets out of prison and has to start all over again as a flannel-shirt-wearing waitress in a small, rural town. Um, Paris, you don’t have it that bad. So, no more pouting! Promise? Good.

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