Green 'n' Greedy

Paris reveals her genius plans for saving the world, one cherub at a time, and why she's trading in her pricey wheels for more pedestrian ones. Also, brow-furrowed insiders worry about Angelina. Plus, your mailbag mouthings! Come and get it... Is Paris Hilton kissing her Bentley buh-bye and bidding au revoir to her Range Rover for a Ford? Perhaps. BPM mag threw its green celebration Thursday night at the Avalon, and for the eco-friendly event, Ford sent hybrid Escapes to chauffeur celebs like Paris, Rex Lee and Olivia Wilde. “I’m getting a car from them, a hybrid one, tonight,” Paris dished, when we asked precisely what she was doing these days to go green. “They gave me one. So, I think driving hybrid cars is the new way to go. And recycling...On my MySpace, I’m going to start writing about ways kids can help save the world, because anyone can do it, no matter how old you are or where you’re from.” Making a diff, one MySpace blog at a time, huh, babe?

“I just want this world to be a better place for my grandchildren,” the retired jailbird chirped. “I’m scared with what’s going on in the environment, so I hope people will help and make a difference. Everyone can.”

Decidedly not benevolently minded was scary-grungy rocker and former Mischa Barton b-f Cisco Adler, who was so rudely tugging at Paris’ printed dress during our quickie chat. “Come on, babe!” he kept saying, as he tried to usher our beloved Ms. Pee to another area of the VIP section. His friend and Whitestarr bandmate Rainbow was also attempting to seduce P into other activities that involved the makeshift troika only. “Why you gotta do that, man?” Cisco was overheard saying to his amigo, who C.A. obviously felt was jeopardizing things. Hmmm, was this dubious duo angling for Paris’ attention somewhere other than just at the soiree? Have something in mind afterward you didn’t want to spoil, guys? Sure seemed that way. And what about that surfer guy P.H. was spotted hanging with at the Polaroid House in Malibu? He was nowhere in sight on this par-tick night. Sounds like Paris is happily single...for now. (I still say she should take a shot for either prince, as in William or Harry. I mean, it’s not like they're married yet, right?) Before we get to those oh so bitchy babes—as in you, my naughty readers—must report from Desk WaistWatch that Angelina Jolie is getting...even thinner. This I am sorry to report. While at a veddy fancy-butt function here in T-town, DWW, which hangs with the Brangelina camp, whispered back to yours truly: 

“It was brought to my attention—again—that Angelina has a problem. It’s worth keeping a very, very close eye on.” 

Now, I assume DWW was referring to Ms. Jay’s lack of bod sustenance (those kiddies runnin’ you ragged, girlfriend?). In fact, I’m almost certain of it. Still the result of the tragic passing of A.J.'s presh mama?

'Cause surely, Desk W.W. didn’t mean probs with Braddie? Nah, as we reported last week, the kinkiness with that couple is hardly cooling. More latuh. Dear Ted: 
Just saw the pics of Daniel Radcliffe. He shouldn't have any problems getting a date. Just think, he may still have some growing to do. 
  E.J.
  Houston Dear Hot for Harry:
Not really my cup o’ tea, hon. But quite curious to see who the Brit babe will wave his wand at now that he’s old enough ‘n’ all. Dear Ted:
Thanks for the hysterical Nicole Richie birth announcements—I spit coffee all over my monitor! 
  J.
  Chicago Dear Caffeinated Cutie:
You’re so welcome, babe. Do you think N.R. will use one? All yours, Ms. N.! Dear Ted: 
Is Day-Old Dumbo from One Immensely Idiotic Blind Vice Howie Mandel? I think I heard he has obsessive-compulsive disorder and is germphobic. 
  Kate
  Indianapolis Dear No-bo:
Ol’ H.M. may be a little kooky but not nearly as neurotic as our fickle friend Day-Old Dumbo. Think slightly less famous, by the way. Dear Ted: 
I think the recent spate of gay-boy gossip blogs owe a lot to your work. Dlisted often uses your diction. But like you, Dlisted keeps it real.
  Tricia
  Montreal Dear Snow Bunny Hunter:
So sweet, you mischievous muff-licker, you! Dear Ted:
Okay, you said yes to my last question in the Toothy Tile 20 Questions game, so I get to ask another, right? Is Toothy Tile known to be athletic?  
  Mary
  Washington, D.C. Dear Sporty Speculator:
That, my dear, depends on your definition of athletic. He can hold his own, how about that? Dear Ted: 
Top gossip guru, why are you so naughty when answering fans?      
  Emma
  Lima, Peru Dear No Nonsense:
Right back at ya, doll. It’s all outta love though, right? Dear Ted: 
Hmmm...not quite as pretty as Josh Duhamel but more muscular. Is Bulbous Seymour better known as Gerard Butler?     
  Lyle
  Anchorage, Alaska Dear Ice-Cold Cutie:
Nope, Bulbous Seymour from One Pansy-Pushing Blind Vice is not Mr. B., though nice try. Think more well-known and high-profile and less fab butt cheeks. Dear Ted: 
After 10 years of reading your column, I have finally decided to throw my Blind guess into the fray! Toothy Tile: Harrison Ford. Horny Improvement: Tim Allen. Day-Old Dumbo: Scott Baio. I am glad you are content with that cutie of yours now. Congrats!
  Lisa B.
  San Francisco Dear Guessing Gal:
One outta three ain’t bad! Yes, Immensely Idiotic's Day-Old Dumbo is, ‘course, Scott Baio, but your other two are totally wrong-a-roonie. Dear Ted: 
Why was Hil Duff bashing all the thin Hollywood girls and then, to my surprise, the cover of Us shows her just as tiny along with a story about her new diet? 
  Lisa
  El Centro, California Dear Gettin' the Skinny: 
What would’ve been more shocking is if Ms. D. didn’t follow skinny suit ‘n’ instead ballooned into a buxom babe. Dear Ted: 
Andy Roddick looked very stunning and classy at the ESPYs! Can I meet him? Please? 
  Cassie
  Tampa, Florida Dear Hot for Roddick: 
I’ll pass his digits your way…right after Cristina, Taryn and Virginia call him. Dear Ted: 
Love your column, it's a must-read! My question has to do with greaseball Brandon Davis. I read today that his parents have finally had enough and cut him off. Could this possibly be true? I know you will know the truth! 
  Rachel
  Sullivan, Missouri Dear Moolah Minded: 
Reported this too, doll. So, we at Desk Awful are starting the Help the Oily Heir Maintain His Oily Hair fund. Donations, anyone? Are those crickets I hear chirping? Dear Ted: 
I just love how honest you are about everything—a little harsh sometimes. One funny question: She isn't in the spotlight much at all, but have you heard anything on Janet Jackson lately? There have been many rumors she will be going out on tour again, but I can't seem to find any info. Also, any news on Matt Damon?     
  Bree
  Lakewood, Colorado Dear Jonesin' for Jackson: 
Janet won’t be touring till she drops those pounds she has packed on yet again. As for Matt, I hear he’s thisclose to signing on for the Star Trek prequel directed by JJ Abrams, along with Adrien Brody and Gary Sinise. Beam me up, Matty! Dear Ted: 
Is Toothy Tile Isaiah Washington? Hee-hee!
  Heidi
  Hingham, Massachusetts Dear Too Perf: 
Wrong bum-lovin’ boy. Think younger, cuter ‘n’ sans snarkiness. Dear Ted:
Does Britney have a stylist who actually would take credit for her horrific outfits? I don't understand how a woman with her money, and I assume hordes of minions, could leave the house looking like an optically challenged, nymphomaniac bag lady?  
  Christina
  Albany, New York Dear Style Wild:
Looks like Brit-babe is doin’ it all nowadays: Shaves her own hair, choreographs her own dances and, quelle horreur, dresses her own damn self. Quelle rebelle. Dear Ted: 
I can't believe I'm obsessing over a Disney actor, but Shia LaBeouf is showing what's potentially the man coming out in him, and it's yummy. Don't gag, but can we have more of him? 
  Lili
  Los Angeles Dear Disney Disciple: 
The undercover tatted-up boy sure is growin’ into his own these days, but his new slicked-back ‘fro only makes him semibangable, in my book.