Fergie vs. Beyoncé vs. John Williams: Who, Like, Rocks the Movies?

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Silly me. When I headed out to the Kodak Theater for the taping of CBS' Movies Rock, I expected a tribute to music in movies. What we got was a tribute to musicals. And while it's all well and good to bow down to the old, the folks at CBS are very, very, very wrong for calling it Movies Rock.

I attended with hopes of listening to Elton John and Beyoncé duet on "I've Had (the Time of my Life)" from Dirty Dancing. I hoped Christopher Guest himself might surprise us with a rendition of "A Penny for Your Thoughts" from Waiting for Guffman (which was silly, as he wasn't scheduled to perform). Would Queen Latifah do a number from Coal Miner's Daughter?

Alas, no. We saw a clip of Footloose, but nobody did the song and dance. Again, this special was about musicals. And they need to do another for movies of all kind. But if you do watch the special, here are a few helpful hints for your TiVo...

Get on Your Feet:  After Quentin Tarantino gets you geared up for Shaft, you're gonna need to boogie. I promise. LL Cool J promises, too.

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Watch and Worship:  My new hero is Fergie. Not only does she do amazing justice to "Live and Let Die," a classic James Bond anthem, but she also grabs onto a rope that dangles from a very high ceiling and literally swung about, holding on with only one hand. Amazing, acrobatic. It's the closest you'll get to a Flashdance tribute. Jennifer Beals would be pleased.

Anecdote to Tell Your Friends:  Hairspray director Adam Shankman, always a delightful guy, was feeling absolutely no pain, gallivanting around with a full drink in the lobby and giddily cutting in front of a couple of gentlemen to use the men's room. Needless to say, the men in line did not mind, happy and talented and, well, giddy as Shankman was.

Call Your Geeky Guy Friend:  'Cause Harrison Ford comes up to make an eloquent announcement, and then legendary genius composer John Williams conducts the orchestra through a moving medley that glances at Star Wars, Jaws and many other greats. Yes, clips even air on a big screen above the stage.

Fast-Forward:  Skip past Beyoncé, who simply doesn't have Judy Garland's pipes. She tries to do "Somewhere over the Rainbow"...and I would put emphasis on the word tries. The Wizard of Oz is a classic; Beyoncé's performance is not.

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Watch on Mute:  You have to hand it to hot young thing Chris Brown. Before his performance of  "Jailhouse Rock," you watch a clip of Elvis Presley in the original. And whoa, the stage is set up like a cell block, with fetching inmates dancing like a troupe of Michael Jacksons. It's magic. However, they slow down the beat of the song, which is really a mistake.

Anticipate Judd Apatow Backlash:  Walk Hard costars John C. Reilly and Jenna Fischer introduce a clip of the best comical music scenes, put together by lord Judd Apatow. He includes clips from Hard, Talladega Nights and Anchorman. Guess he had no room for anything from Boogie Nights ("The Heat Will Rock You"!), fellow comic master John Hughes (how about the scene in The Breakfast Club where the kids run the halls?) or Woody Allen. Tsk-tsk.

Watch on Repeat:  Oh, Usher, you won me over with what is easily, hands-down, the show's best performance, an evergreen scene from Singin' in the Rain. Yes, he dances the dance. He walks in the puddles. He taps and channels Gene Kelly with such panache and grace you will want to leap into the screen—and then, of course, rent the movie.

Stare All Confused:  The whole show ends with Tony Bennett and others doing "White Christmas," as scantily clad Santa chicks dance nearby. Um, this isn't a Christmas special. And I would have preferred "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," which is in another rockin' musical: Meet Me in St. Louis...and featured in The Family Stone. Okay, I'm starting to confuse myself. Time to stop!