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Can Britney's career ever recover?

Mon., Apr. 2, 2007 4:51 PM PDT by Leslie Gornstein

Is it possible for Brit to relaunch her singing career, and will she still be the Pop Princess?
—Terrie, Ozone Park, New York

The B!tch Replies: First, let me say this: If I get one more letter about why "you bloodsuckers in the press" won't "just leave Britney alone," I am going to light someone's face on fire. If Britney wanted privacy, she wouldn't have uncaged her spokeswoman to let the world know the exact moment she left rehab. And Britney's aunt wouldn't be doing interviews with Extra.

Crisis PR moguls say Britney is dangling dangerously close to a point of no return in the entertainment business. As incredible as that sounds, given the miraculous comebacks of Rob Lowe, Robert Downey Jr., and, to a lesser extent, Paul Reubens, it's true.

Despite her recent stint at the Malibu rehab clinic Promises, "she's a train wreck," insists Ronn Torossian, a publicist who repped Lil' Kim post-prison and Diddy post-gun arrest. "She is on the don't-touch list, a Surreal Life episode waiting to happen."

How might Brit save herself from a spot between Vanilla Ice and Mini-Me? The strategy actually involves very little work and almost no thought, experts tell this B!tch. But it also required Brit to do the one thing she really, really hates.

Shut. Up. Go. Away.

Leave! Flee! Back to Louisiana, where the crawdad don't care none who your producer be or where your stylist at! Trade in Matt Lauer for nice sit-down with Pappy at the Po-Boys 'n' Rifles Shack. Drink something nice out of a mason jar. We won't tell your counselor. And for the love of the sweet baby Jesus, honey, stay off of your home page. No more letters of truth. In fact, no more letters. They just make you dizzy.

"It's not as simple as walking out of rehab," Torossian explains. "America will not accept it. She needs to be acting more like a mom and less like a bikini dancer in a club."

But can Britney do that? Can she stand one split second away from a camera or a microphone or a bouncer or a reporter?

This B!tch guesses no. In fact, I suspect that any second now, she'll bleat some freshly whiny message about her privacy and triumph to People magazine, and the indignant letters about leaving poor Britney alone will continue to pour into my inbox.