944 Celebrates a Birthday with Hudson Jeans

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RSVPs:  Tara Reid, Adrian Grenier, Ian Ziering
When:  May 3
Where:  Stoli Hotel

Check-In Time and Sneaky Spa Service
I pass the sentries and am greeted by a concierge welcoming me to the Stoli Hotel. Okay, this isn’t exactly a hotel. It’s actually the same warehouse where Entourage held its season-three party last month. The vodka company has transformed the space into a mock resort, with private rooms and spa services, which I unfortunately don’t realize until all the appointments are booked. And try as I might, I can't weasel in. Guess I’m not a true celebrity after all. I doubt Paris Hilton would have any problem squeezing in for a massage session.

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Though Paris attended the hotel's opening last night, she skipped tonight's event, perhaps trying to impress the judge. But fellow socialite Kim Kardashian has managed to make it with matching BFF Caroline D'Amore. "I’m so short," she purrs to a man by her side. "People never think it, because I wear heels all the time." Come to think of it, I’ve never seen Kim without a pair of stilettos glued to her feet. I wonder how tall she really is?

Grenier Pastures
I pass Adrian Grenier by the bar but decide to talk to a different TV star instead. (Anyone who listens to my podcast knows how I feel about the Entourage actor.) I’ve never met South of Nowhere’s Valery Ortiz, but after seeing her on a few episodes of What About Brian, I have the feeling she’s someone to look out for. “I'd have a really cool, tight club up in there with some Latin music, a bomb restaurant with Caribbean food and some nice views,” she says of her ideal hotel. “It would have an indoor pool with a waterfall, a sauna and a whole spa thing going on.” Check me in, please.

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Culture Vultures and Family Values
Outside, Tara Reid is having a smoke with her director brother Tommy, diverting any reporters to him for quotes. No thanks, I’d rather have the real thing. Luckily, That '70s Show’s Laura Prepon is happy to chat with me about anniversaries and other celebrations. “I'm usually pretty low-key on my birthday," she says. “My last birthday, I just went to a play, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and a real nice dinner.” Love the whole culture-and-cuisine thing, but c’mon, no tiaras or shots? Maybe Laura needs a visit to Taradise.

Naked Fat Guy Makes Nice
Living life to the fullest is Ken Davitian, who’s beyond ecstatic since Borat swept him into celebrity status. “Everything you dream about, work for, is really happening. It’s fantastic,” he says of the attention he gets, especially from young girls. “But that one keeps me in check.” He points to his wife of 30 years, which by Hollywood standards is an eternity.

Luckily for Mrs. Davitian, Ken’s dream television star, Kelly Ripa, is happily married. “I like young, white, light hair, petite, beautiful body. You remind me of Kelly Ripa,” he says with a smile. Readers, I look nothing like Kelly. But thanks for the compliment, Ken.

Crushing the Competition
Another fan of the ladies, Ian Ziering, checks out some girls in the corner, as his Dancing with the Stars competitor scans the room. And Maksim Chmerkovskiy, boxer Laila Ali’s partner this season, is beautiful in person. No wonder former dance partner Willa Ford had so much chemistry with him. Plus, he’s extremely well traveled, telling me he does the majority of his reading and sleeping on airplanes.

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Speaking of airplanes, it’s getting late, and I have a flight to Vegas to catch tomorrow. I sneak out while Cisco Adler is playing music nobody is dancing to and give the valet my ticket.

Kimberly Stewart hops in her white Range Rover and covers up with her black hoodie to avoid the flashes of the surrounding paparazzi. Realizing she can’t drive with the cloth over her eyes, she lifts the hood a little and carefully maneuvers her car around an X17 cameraman desperate to get more minutes of Kim than his competitors. Maybe not being a celebrity isn’t so bad after all.