"Ooh, look at that helmet!"
It never ceases to amaze us what things manage to amaze the contestants on The Bachelor. They freak out about everything. Arie's name. Chris Harrison saying Arie's name. The existence of date cards. Every word on the date card. Arie's name signed on the date card. Arie showing up. Arie holding a helmet.
There are, however, some things that don't make them squeal, and those things include a fitness coach named Krystal. But we'll get to that.
The first one-on-one went to Becca (not Bekah), and it was kind of a lot, but we gotta respect Becca's ability to keep it together. First, they rode a motorcycle through some (twisty, terrifying) scenic SoCal mountains, and second, they had a fitting with Rachel Zoe.
She let Becca pick out whatever she wanted to wear for her date with Arie and it was all very Sugar Daddy-ish, but if it were us, we would have honestly ditched Arie to twirl around in those sparkly Louboutins. Sure, we can't walk and can barely stand in stilettos, but you can bet we'd find a hallway to dance around in, Britney-Spears-on-Instagram-style, and we'd have a great time. (This is why we're not on The Bachelor.)
Becca's reaction to her many gifts was basically indifference compared to the squealing she encountered back at the mansion with all her new stuff, which she then had to put on in order to go meet Arie again.
He made her tip toe in her Louboutins down a long candle-lit hallway to get to him, which felt rude.
"I love it," Arie said.
"I love that about you," he said later.
"I love that," he said again.
Arie loves a lot of things, but with all the enthusiasm of loving a piece of gum or, like, some hand sanitizer.
Anyway, he and Becca talked about parents with cancer and other first date things like that before some confetti exploded out of the ceiling and surprisingly, no who-y country stars popped out of the floor for an awkward private concert before Becca got the rose.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Chelsea was going on and on about how much she loves adrenaline and the idea of getting to hold on to Arie (for dear life) on the back of a bike. Krysta had some serious bummer concerns about how many people had died in motorcycle accidents, and if the date had gone to her, she would have had to also express those concerns to Arie beforehand.
We don't know if this is the first time anyone has openly expressed safety concerns on screen, but good on you, Krystal. Aaaand that's the last time we imagine we'll say that.
Krystal got the unexpected second one-on-one with a date card reading "Home is where the heart is." The other women were immediately suspicious that Krystal was about to meet Arie's family, and that's exactly what happened.
Krystal learned that she was about to go to Arie's hometown of Scottsdale, AZ, and her response was a truly appropriate, "I love that."
"Scottsdale is very important to me," Arie explained to us.
"I love this," Krystal said.
They watched home movies of young Arie being a little monster while current Arie covered his eyes in embarrassment, and then surprise! They met Arie's parents!
Why is this happening in episode two? What made Arie/the producers pick Krystal to be the first girl to meet Arie's parents? Did the choice have something to do with her smoky late night radio voice and what we all first thought was a calming presence? Or did they pick the girl who was most likely to have a lot of family issues that might be brought up in the presence of someone else's family?
Anyway, after grilling Arie's parents on how they met, Krystal did get the awkward private concert that we hate so much. We've been on two dates and we're already exhausted!
Fifteen of the nineteen remaining women were invited on the next date, which involved basically grown-up bumper cars. Or as Arie said, they took a trip to his world, "down and dirty at the race track."
Most of the women had a great time with this, but Annaliese was not doing well. Apparently, as a child, she did bumper cars, and she just remembers getting trapped in the middle and people were hitting her and she hated it. We were treated to a recreation of this tale (which had no beginning, end, or conflict in the middle), complete with actual blurry-faced children.
"A bumper car trauma?!" said Jenny, summing up our thoughts. "I didn't know bumper car trauma was a thing."
Annaliese's tear-filled bumper car trauma ploy worked, and Arie vowed to protect her forever/til the end of the day of bumper carring. Shockingly, Annaliese had a great time.
The derby came down to Arie, Tia, and Seinne, all just hitting each other in cars. Seinne won, and she got to drink milk? Cool for her.
Post-date, Chelsea wasted no time in stealing Arie away again in order to apologize for her self-given reputation for being mysterious, and to tell him that she's got a three year-old son. She tried to use that whole mom excuse in front of the other ladies to explain why she steals him so much, but they weren't having it. They all gave up stuff to be here, they said. Being a mom didn't make Chelsea more important than them!
That seemed to chill Chelsea out, but it was Bibiana who was losing it.
She needed her time with Arie! All the other women were getting time first! She has to have time!!! Then when she had a chance for time, she didn't take it. She just whined and cried, like she's the new Ashley I.
Arie was not aware of all this drama. He was too busy being highly impressed by Seinne's travels around the world, and he was so impressed that he intro'd his rose speech by complimenting Chelsea for opening up to him, only to then pivot to giving the rose to Seinne. It was pretty freaking satisfying, to be honest.
But then we all quickly forgot about Seinne's victory, because we were distracted by Krystal's descent into villainy. With rose in hand, she interrupted Arie's time with other roseless girls multiple times, calling him "baby" and reminiscing about that time they met in the driveway, paying no mind to the fact that he also met every other girl in that same driveway.
Bibiana, whose all-important time Krystal interrupted, lost it on her.
"You need to check yourself before you check on other people!" Bibiana snapped when Krystal tried to claim she was just "checking" on her.
Suddenly, we're both tired and riveted. We're in week one of dates and everyone's already losing their minds, but in kind of an old-school Bachelor way where they're all actually fighting over this one dude who says "I love that" a lot. And sometimes, when they get eliminated, they're only sad because now they don't get to hang out with their new friends anymore.
It's boring, but nice. And that's not the worst new direction for this show, we guess.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.