Tiffany Haddish made quite an impression on Stephen Colbert Tuesday night.
The breakout star of Universal Pictures' Girls Trip appeared on CBS' The Late Show to promote She Ready! From the Hood to Hollywood, her stand-up special premiering Friday on Showtime. While there, Colbert brought up her recent appearance in Jay-Z's Friends parody. "Any chance that I get to play a white woman, I am there! I'm Phoebe on there," Haddish, 37, said of the spoof. "I'm a white woman on paper; I've been a white woman for the last five, ten years now."
"What do you mean 'white on paper?'" Colbert asked.
"Like seven years ago, the census had come around, right? The census came and they showed up to my house, and they asked me what my nationality was, 'cause they was counting to see how many black people are in the neighborhood. I was like, 'What do you mean? I'm American.' And he was like, 'No, what's your race?' I was like, 'Oh! So, we're doing that today? We're bringing racism in my front door on this day? What are you, colorblind?' And he said, 'Yes,'" Haddish joked. "I was like, 'Ooh! This is my chance.' I had like a That's So Raven moment; I went into my brain and I was like, 'Girl, this is your chance. What do you mean this is my chance? Obama said it's time for change; you could be whatever you want to be today.' And I was like, 'You're right! I can be whatever I want to be.' And I looked at him and said, 'I'm car-casian.' Because I got a car and I know a lot of Asians, so I just put that together. I told him was 'car-casian' and he said OK. He checked the white box and it has been fantastic. Oh, my goodness!"
Just how "fantastic" has life as a white woman on paper been? "A few days later my credit score went up by 300 points. I got a black card. I got a Mexican housekeeper now. Life has been really awesome. I've been booking all of these TV show roles because of affirmative action," Haddish told the late-night host. "They need white women to play black women, so that's me!"
Years ago, Haddish was a struggling comic living out of her car in L.A. Her life changed after Kevin Hart learned about her situation and gave her $300. "He gave me the money and he said, 'Make a list. Make a list of goals that you want from your life. What do you want for your life?'" Haddish said. "'And when you're sitting in that room, start figuring out how to tackle that list.'"
Haddish decided to rent a hotel room by the hour, as she realized $300 wouldn't go very far in L.A. "I took a shower and I started writing out my list. I wrote that I wanted to get my own place one day, work with Jada Pinkett Smith, have my own stand-up comedy special, sit across from you one day and you googly eye me like yaasss. I also wrote that Brad Pitt would start asking me to dinner all the time, so much that it's like, 'Look, Brad! I'm busy! I can't!'" Haddish imagined. "Also, I wrote on there that I want to get pregnant by Leonardo DiCaprio and that I'll have me a big ol' house and that I'll get my own two streets. I want my own two streets that intersect, one called Tiffany and one called Haddish, and then I'll start youth centers over there. People will be like, 'Where'd you learn how to do that?' 'I learned that on Tiffany and Haddish.'"
Colbert couldn't stop laughing. "What a joy just to sit next to you," he said."
"Well," the comedienne said, "It's even more of a joy if you get to know me better."