Jimmy Kimmel Proposes Making Donald Trump the King of America

"Let's make America Great Britain again!" the late-night host jokes

By Zach Johnson Aug 16, 2017 12:20 PMTags

Jimmy Kimmel has a plan for Donald Trump.

As the President of the United States has repeatedly refused to condemn violent, right-wing demonstrators in Charlottesville, Va., Kimmel urged his remaining supporters to abandon him.

"We had so much fun stuff planned for you tonight; we worked on it all day. We had Bachelor in Paradise tonight, kids going back to school—there's a horrible new pair of Uggs we were going to discuss. I even thought, 'Hey, maybe we won't talk much about Donald Trump much tonight.' And then he opened his mouth and all matter of stupid came out. I'm not joking when I say I would feel more comfortable if Cersei Lannister was running this country at this point. This press conference today...I don't know if you saw this; I know a lot of you are here on vacation," Kimmel said during Tuesday's monologue. "It started as a press conference about infrastructure and ended with our President making an angry and passionate defense of white supremacists."

"It was like if your book club meeting turned into a cockfight. It really was remarkable," the comedian joked. "I don't know who decided it would be a good idea to send him out there to talk to reporters today, but whoever did, obviously misread his state of mind—and the mood in this country right now. I think I can say this with reasonable certainty: The President is completely unhinged. The wheels are off the wagon and hurtling towards the moon right now."

"I have some clips to show you, and before I do, I want to say this: Clips are one thing. You know, they're edited down; we choose them for content. But if you get a chance, go online and watch the whole press conference from beginning to end. It is astonishing," Kimmel said. "The only thing I can compare it to is—remember when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield's ear off, and then he bit his other ear off? This was the Presidential equivalent of that. Trump wasn't even scheduled to take questions today. He was supposed to be give a brief update on an executive order he signed to boost infrastructure, but reporters wanted to ask about his weak response to what happened in Charlottesville, and things went infrustruckin' nuts from there."

read
Jimmy Fallon Fights Back Tears as He Describes "Disgusting" Charlottesville Events
ABC/Randy Holmes

Kimmel aired a clip of Trump telling a reporter, "Unlike you and unlike the media, before I make a statement, I like to know the facts." The host joked, "He's very careful about that. Like that fact that Ted Cruz's father killed JFK and [Barack Obama] was born in Kenya. He's a stickler for the facts. When they got to his statement about putting the blame for the murder and hate crimes in Charlottesville on 'many sides'—not just the Nazis and Klan members, a statement he tried to soften yesterday by specifically denouncing those groups—not only did he go back to his original statement on the matter, he doubled-down and actually defended their actions!"

Kimmel later showed a video from the rally where people chanted, "Jews will not replace us."

"So, here's the thing: If you're with a group of people and they're shouting things like 'Jews will not replace us,' and you don't immediately leave that group, you are not a 'very fine person,'" Kimmel told his audience. "And by the way, today, David Duke—who is a 'very fine' former wizard of the KKK—tweeted, 'Thank you President Trump for your honesty and courage to tell the truth about Charlottesville.' When David Duke thanks you for your honesty and courage, something has gone awry. Then, after all this—after 15 minutes of unprecedented insanity, and you really should watch the whole thing—our President, as he left the podium, said this: 'Do you know I own a house in Charlottesville? Oh, boy! It's gonna be...It's in Charlottesville. You'll see. It is the winery. I mean, I know a lot about Charlottesville. Charlottesville is a great place that's been very badly hurt over the last couple of days, but I own, actually, one of the largest wineries in the United States. It's in Charlottesville.' He can't resist a plug. He just can't! 'My wine is fantastic—especially the white.'...This is so crazy. Everyone has been wondering if Trump is going to last four years. I'm now wondering if any of us are gonna last four years!"

"This is terrible," he said. "I haven't screamed at my TV this much since McDreamy died, really."

"The only person who is happy right now is Sean Spicer," Kimmel joked. "He's doing backflips."

"I've been thinking about this, and I want to speak to those of you who voted for Donald Trump. And first of all, I want to say: I get it. I actually do," he said. "You were unhappy with the way things were going. You wanted someone to come in and shake things up. You didn't want business as usual: nothing ever seems to get done, it's always the same, these candidates make a lot of promises that go nowhere, it happens over and over again. And you're sick of it. And so this guy shows up riding down a golden escalator. He's not a part of the political establishment; in fact, he's the opposite of that. He's a billionaire—maybe. He's written books, he's not politically correct—or even correct, usually—he talks tough, he wants to 'drain the swamp,' sometimes he can be funny...he rips into his opponents in a way politicians never do—have never done before—and you thought, 'You know what? This guy is different, and that's what I want—different. So, let's roll the dice. Let him get in there and run the country like a business, cut the dead weight, toughen everyone up...Let's shake this Etch a Sketch hard and start over.'"

ABC/Randy Holmes

"So, you vote for him. You pick him over Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz and John Kasich and a dozen other Republicans whose names we forgot—and ultimately, he beats them! He strolls in and beats all these guys who've been in politics forever. And then he beats the ultimate political insider, Hillary Clinton—a woman who ran for President of her mother's uterus in the womb. He beats her! Everyone said he wouldn't, and he did," the comedian continued. "And it's exciting because this was your guy. You picked a horse at 35 to 1, and somehow, it paid off! "

"Now he is the President, and it starts off OK. He meets with President Obama; they seem to have a nice conversation. But then he moves into the White House, and right off the bat, he's angry at the media for reporting that his crowd at the inauguration was smaller than he thought it was—which was weird, but not important, really. And then he claimed it stopped raining when he was speaking at his inaugural address, which...everyone could see it raining, but OK, it was his first week. Give him a break. So, gets in there, he hires his daughter, he hires his son-in-law, he demands an investigation into voter fraud, even though he won the election."

photos
Donald Trump Cameos in Movies and on TV

"He calls the Prime Minister of Australia and hangs up on him. He won't shake Angela Merkel's hand. He doesn't know Frederick Douglass isn't alive," he said. "He claims he can't release his tax returns because they're under audit, and then says he wont release them at all. He signs a ban on Muslims that he claims isn't a ban on Muslims. He compliments the President of the Philippines for murdering drug addicts. Hours after a terror attack in London, he starts a fight with their mayor. After criticizing Obama for playing golf, he plays golf every weekend. He accidentally shares classified intelligence with the Russians. He tweets a typo at midnight, wakes up and claims it was a secret message. He praises Jim Comey in October—and calls him a coward in June. He fires him. He lashes out at his own attorney general for recusing him from the investigation. He hires the Mooch. He fires the Mooch. He bans the transgendered from the military without telling anyone in the military he's doing it. He plays chicken with Kim Jong-un."

"And that's just some of the list—and that's just some of it. If I went through all of it, it would be longer than the menu at the Cheesecake Factory," the ABC host laughed. "It would be huge."

"He is, by every reasonable account—and I'm using his own favorite words here—a 'total disaster.' He screws up royally every day! Sometime two or three times a day! We can't keep up with it. Things come out of nowhere! Every day, there's something nuts," he said. "But you've been trying to ignore it because you don't want to admit to these smug, annoying liberals that they were right! That's the last thing you want to do. But the truth is, and deep down inside you know you made a mistake; you know it's true. You made a mistake. You picked the wrong guy."

"And it isn't getting better. It's getting worse. So, you can do one of two things. You can dig in like Chris Christie at a Hometown Buffet, or you can treat this situation like you would if you put Star Wars wallpaper up in the kitchen: 'Alright, I got caught up; I was excited. I made a mistake and now it needs to go.' Well, now he does need to go. It's time—especially you, who voted for him—to tell him to go. Please, think about it," Kimmel told viewers who voted for Trump last year. "He doesn't even want to be President! He's miserable! But he won't resign, because his ego is too big. He can't do it. So, either we impeach him—which could happen, but it might not—or we can do what he would do in this situation. We negotiate. We make a deal."

"I know this is going to sound nuts, but I have an idea, so hear me out on this; I think this could solve all our problems. We are all going to have to be on board with this. Instead of President, we make Donald Trump King. We make him the first King of America. Think about it. England has a Queen. She lives in a palace—everyone makes a big deal when she shows up—she has no power at all. In the morning, they put a crown on her head and she stands there and waves, she goes back to bed. That's it. If the Queen were to walk out on her balcony and open her shirt, nothing over there would change. The Queen could be completely bonkers; it would make no difference at all. She'd still be Queen; it would still be fine. That's what we need to do with Donald Trump. We need to set him up in castle—maybe in Florida—lead him to the top, and then lock the door to that castle. Forever. Everyone can call him 'Your Highness.' Maybe we give him a scepter he can hold. He can sit there watching Fox & Friends, maybe chip a few golf balls out the window of his tower. There's no way he turns that deal down. If we tell him he's going to be the King, we gotta get creative here, because enough is enough," Kimmel argued. "Desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm asking you, the people who supported Donald Trump, to step in and help for the good of this country. Mike Pence is ready; he's boring. He's relatively sane. He looks like a friendly neighbor you'd borrow a lawn mower from."

In conclusion, the host said, "Let's make America Great Britain again!"