InstagramThere's an old saying that reads, Behind every cute girl on Instagram, there's a sad guy with a camera. And a brick wall.
Such is the dark underbelly of the world of Instagram stars. For every perfectly-posed photo, every coffee cup held up in front of a sunset, every bafflingly flattering bikini pose, every outfit flat-lay, there is a process to creating those photos that would make an innocent picture-taker gasp.
These are the Instagram Husbands of the world. The men whose phones don't even have room for the Maps app because of the volume of their camera roll. The men who know how to position a skinny arm. The men who instinctively shudder every time they see an outdoor mural or whitewashed brick or anything marble-print. The men whose thumbs are permanently deformed because the shutter button's placement on the iPhone makes no ergonomical sense.
Maybe you've heard of these people. Maybe you've heard rumblings of their hidden lives. Maybe you've seen the PSA. Maybe, just maybe, you've caught a glimpse of them in a reflection that the offending Instagrammer failed to FaceTune out. But what you probably didn't know is that this secret society exists not just in Portland, or Chicago, or in your neighbor's living room. It exists in Hollywood, too.
These are the Celebrity Instagram Husbands.
They are brave soldiers who, while their careers are white-hot, languish behind the lens in their relationships. They capture endless snaps of their wives and girlfriends as they pose high on their tippy-toes than biology ever thought possible. They are responsible for the Instagram feeds we all love-hate so much.
Let's begin our investigation with Eric Decker. Partly because he may be the most prolific Instagram husband, and partly because today marks his 30th birthday, and we imagine he will celebrate by taking lots of photos of wife Jessie James Decker in various poses. Decker's role has evolved greatly over the last few years—he began by simply taking photos of Jessie solo, as she rocked a casual cozy-day look in bed or pretended to play a guitar.
But now that their family has expanded, so have the Instagram job duties. They now include positioning their two children into a smiling pose, or having a camera at the ready at all moments of the day, whenever an adorable family moment arises. He truly does it all. He waits patiently for Christmas presents to be just the right amount of unwrapped. He waits for conversations to be just the right amount of candid. He waits for product logos to be just the right amount of positioned towards the camera. Eric Decker is the Instagram husband we need right now.
Nine times out of 10, our next Instagram husband, Miles Teller, has way too much going on to perform his expected duties. The guy is flying around the world filming and promoting movies, going on talk shows and giving the occasional very unfortunate magazine interview. But once he and his girlfriend set out on a vacation, all bets are off. In fact, one wonders whether he's ever even experienced vacation at all, given the amount of time he must spend behind the camera.
Are they in Hawaii? Then Miles is capturing a special moment with a sea turtle. Are they in the Maldives? Then Miles is capturing just a hint of buttcheek peeking out of an infinity pool. Florence? A naughty photo opp with The David. Bali? A yoga pose in front of temple. First class airplane seat? First class airplane pose.
If one is going to discuss vacation photo duties, one would be completely remiss if they failed to mention Jay Z. We know what you're thinking. Jay Z? An Instagram husband? Surely you jest.
But let us explain. By all intents and purposes, Beyoncé does not need Jay Z to take photos of her. She has a whole professional team for that. She is so perfect that no one less than the most highly-qualified photographer should even deign to raise the lens towards her. And yet, even Bey needs to ask for Instagram help once in awhile. We know this because of that oh-so-fateful portrait.
You know the one. B is in a mint green dress, locks long and curly and incredibly shiny. She leans against the door frame of an elevator, resplendent against the metal and wood grain of its interior. But wait, what is that we spot in the mirror at the back? The reflection of one Jay Z?
Yes, it is but Hova. And he is...looking like we've never seen him before. He strains himself into a spinal shape just so, lips pursed in a look of concentration as he captures the perfect photo for his beloved. This can happen to the best of us.
Next we examine John Legend and his responsibilities for Chrissy Teigen. A professional model by day, but an Instagram star by...any other time she's not busy modeling. It's clear to see why this couple has become susceptible to social media's underworld: She's incredibly attractive, and he's incredibly obsessed with her. It's a formula that can lead to nothing else but a man standing over a woman trying to make her legs look good in a photo.
Teigen may seem like an atypical perpetrator here. After all, her social media is gloriously irreverent. But don't let the off-kilter jokes and cooking videos fool you! Somebody's talking all those snaps of her with her funny Beyoncé-themed pajamas and it sure as heck isn't Luna.
And finally, our investigation brings us to Tom Brady. Anyone who is familiar with his wife Gisele Bündchen knows that her favorite thing in the world is to drink green juice. Her second favorite thing is to ride horses along the beach, and a close third is to be photographed by Tom doing so.
There are times when this content is so prolific that it seems as though the entire coastline of Costa Rica exists to provide scenery for their photo shoots. Tom finds himself behind the lens for so many different activities: Yoga poses, tree lounging, doing prayer hands in front of temples, and raising your arms up in front of an impending sunrise. It's a wonder he has any time at all to practice his football; that may explain Deflategate, but you didn't hear that from us.