Well, if we had any lunch left after this week's Walking Dead premiere, we lost the rest of it during tonight's American Horror Story.
So many things happened tonight that we are struggling with where to start, and how to start, and whether we even want to start. That was incredible, and just the kind of thing we come to American Horror Story to see, but man, it was hard to watch.
Now that the mythology and the characters are all established for the season, it's apparently time to just start bashing all their heads in, and we mean that literally. Poor Matt just wanted to be reunited with the love of his life (the witch, not Shelby), and Shelby had to go all Negan on him. She didn't have a barbed wire bat, but she did have a crowbar, and that worked just fine.
In fact, most of tonight's casualties came from (presumably) living human beings.
Sidney (Cheyenne Jackson) and the rest of the production staff lost their lives thanks to the return of Agnes (Kathy Bates), who had transformed back into the butcher and decided to kill everyone as revenge for rejecting her from season two. She also attacked Shelby, and when no one from the production came in to give her medical attention, the house's residents figured out something was up.
Lee (Adina Porter), Audrey (Sarah Paulson), and Monet (Angela Bassett) took their camera phones and headed out to the production trailers, only to find everyone dead. After discovering Rory dead and hanging in a tree, they were found by the real Polks, which was some seriously bad news.
Lee got strapped to a chair while her leg was cut off, and then fed to Audrey and Monet. Yum!
Meanwhile, Dominic (Cuba Gooding Jr.), despite having fully intended to be the villain of the house, found himself following Matt down to the basement, where he witnessed Matt being attacked by the witch lady (whose face and identity we never did see).
Dominic woke up Shelby, who headed to the basement to pull the witch off of her husband/ex-husband, only to discover that Matt didn't want the witch to be pulled away. Apparently, while Shelby came back to the house to reconcile with him, he came back to reunite with the witch lady!
With that, Shelby took the crowbar and bashed in Matt's skull.
Dominic and the hysterical Shelby headed back up into the house, and heard something outside. They thought it was Monet, Audrey, and Lee, but it was actually Agnes, who was ranting and raving in the yard.
Then, the colonists showed up, along with the real butcher, and apparently the butcher wasn't too happy with her onscreen portrayal. She took her ax and hit Agnes right down the middle of her head.
The end!
Now, there are a couple of mysteries to solve.
Finn Wittrock's name appeared in the ending credits as a special guest star, but we never saw him in the episode...or did we? The guy who Audrey saw in the tunnel was wearing colonial clothing (see the slightly brightened screenshot above), so it was most likely the real Edward Mott. Since Wittrock played Dandy in season 3, and Dandy was Edward's descendant, we're just going to assume that's who he's playing. (Note: Upon further inspection, the credits also claim that "Real Edward Mott" was played by Elliott Ehlers. We have no idea at this point.)
Who played the Butcher? Wikipedia lists the actors who played the "real" Polk family, but no one is credited as the real Tomasyn. We're still hoping it's Jessica Lange covered in prosthetics, because we're dreamers. (Note: Upon even further inspection than before, the credits also claim "Real Butcher" was played by Susan Berger. Quit crushing our dreams, credits!)
This isn't a mystery, but we just have to say that this is some of the most fun we've ever had with a TV show, even if we're totally traumatized. Well done!
American Horror Story: Roanoke airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on FX.