Charles Sykes/Invision for the Television Academy/AP ImagesBy now television fans have been fully regaled of all the best moments from last night's Emmys.
Sarah Paulson, Sterling K. Brown and Courtney B. Vance helped The People v. O.J. Simpson to dominate the awards. Julia Louis-Dreyfus gave an incredibly moving speech. The kids from Stranger Things performed a dance to "Uptown Funk" and handed out peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on bicycles.
All in all the event was one of the more successful Emmy Awards in recent history. But there's a huge part of the story that the public isn't hearing. We're talking about all of the unsung heroes of the night. Those brave souls lurking in the shadows, making everything come together so perfectly yet content to let the Jimmy Kimmels and Rami Maleks of the world take all the credit and attention. But no more! We are here to bring them into the light and to give them their due praise. Behold, all of the secret soldiers of the evening.
iPhones. These devices have long been a reliable replacement for an actual human personal assistant, but never are they more useful—nay, necessary—than at an award show. Just think: How else would the celebs have taken all those selfies? The self-portrait was the backbone of last night's social happenings, and the act of stretching out one's arm and attempting fit all your faces in the frame has fostered many a friendship, new business deal, and possibly even romantic relationships. Plus, iPhones come in super handy when you unexpectedly win an Emmy and need to use it to scroll through your list of thank you's. Just ask Tatiana Maslany.
Spray Tan Artists. Is that what you call someone who gives out spray tans for a living? It sounds about right—it's certainly better than spray tan givers. But either way, these people are available on a moment's notice to bronze the crap out of everyone from Claire Danes to Connie Britton to Julianne Hough to, well, Claire Danes some more. (Because that had to have been a double dose, right?). Without the spray tan artists, armed with their aerosol guns of orange, we would have nothing to talk about the day after the red carpet.
Publicists. Say what you will about PR mavens any other day of the year, but on Emmys night they do the Lord's work. If the Lord's work involved standing on the insanely hot red carpet for hours on end while attention is rained down on your client and you are constantly forced to dodge amazonian celebrities left and right, and also try to stay out of all those super-important camera shots. It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it, blah blah.
Joan Kimmel. No one said it was going to be easy to be Jimmy Kimmel's mom, but we're definitely sure that Joan was never warned about the cafeteria work. 7,000 sandwiches? Plus hand-written notes? Get this woman a hand massage, stat.
Champagne. Duh.
Straws. Plastic drink conveyors: Keeping water bottle rims free of lipstick smudge since...the invention of straws. Never is their contribution to society more necessary than at a red carpet.
O.B. Tampons. What would Amy Schumer do without you, ugys?
John Mayer. The guy went from selling out the Staples Center to jamming on his guitar down in the orchestra pit. Sure, it was probably his choice to play during the outgoing commercial breaks and it was a nice bit of nostalgia, but we've still got to give him props for staying in the shadows in such a classy way. Fiddle those strings, Mayer.
Jason Wu. We owe this man our eternal thanks for giving us so many opportunities for Priyanka Chopra to twirl at the Emmys. He is king of all trains.
Aziz Ansari's Dad. This man was snubbed. Snubbed! First he was the unsung hero of Master of None, and then he showed up to the Emmys and didn't even make a peep about not being nominated. He just sat in the audience and waved at the camera like the God d--n adorable guy that he is.
The Diamond Companies. Rarely are the jewelers behind the diamond industry considered heroes, but during award season we find ourselves very grateful that brands are willing to lend their bling to celebs for free. It's just way too fun to gawk at all those carats.