Decoding Orlando Bloom's Naked Pictures: What Was He Doing, Really?

Because no one really paddleboards like that just for fun, right? And if so...interesting

Point taken, Orlando Bloom...

If you had wanted to reach out and touch someone, Orlando Bloom...

If you were in the mood to open up...

Have mercy, how to begin this story about Orlando Bloom?

Because ever since he was photographed paddleboarding in a fashion in which no man paddleboards (at least not when his girlfriend's bikini is still firmly in place) and then also scampering over some rocks while completely nude...

It's just become hard to avoid the obvious puns. (Damn it!)

OK, but what we're really trying to note here is that Orlando Bloom seemed to be basking in that sunshine, at least way more so than other celebs who have unwittingly let their guard down and ended up splashed all over the Internet with only a bunch of pixels separating us from them.

Of course it's possible that Bloom and Katy Perry have been stewing about those pesky paparazzi ever since the pics of their magic paddleboard ride made Twitter come alive with "Rise" jokes. They were on vacation in Sardinia and if they wanted to be left alone on that beach, they had every right to be left alone. However, considering neither one of them was born yesterday, they may have had something else in mind, at least on that particular day.

Because no matter how much a guy enjoys catching the breeze, that seems like an odd choice when one is kneeling and trying to keep his balance, nor is it the safest way to clamber up a rocky hill. And really, if Perry wasn't going to strip down completely too, why the need to get naked himself—unless his girlfriend was totally in on whatever message he felt like sending. Moreover, Perry was sitting up so straight (hats off to her if that's her usual posture, because wow!), and Bloom didn't seem to be in any rush to cover himself once it became apparent a photographer was onto them.

So while we don't know exactly what he was thinking, and whether or not it was an inside joke gone awry, we have some theories. Was he...

Exposing the Double Standard: Perhaps this was a strike to defend the honor of Perry and women everywhere who have been endlessly objectified by the camera lens while wearing their bathing suits or while daring to go topless. It's happened to so many women, time and time again. And even though their reaction is usually a resigned, "that's-how-it-is" shrug, so many of them would have preferred privacy over publicity. By flashing his own junk while Perry kept covered, pretty much ensuring that everyone would be focused on Googling him rather than his girlfriend for at least a few days, was Bloom daring the photographer to pick on somebody his own size for a change?

Subliminally Responding to His Ex's Engagement: This is the least likely of the bunch, considering how amiable his split from Miranda Kerr has seemed to be, but we don't mean a response as in a slam. Rather, was this just his way of shouting to the world, "I'm free! Ever so free!"

Trying a Bit of Reverse Psychology: By going out in full Bloom, was the Pirates of the Caribbean star trying to make everything that came after a letdown? As in, "OK, you got what you came for, and then some, so go away now. Thank you." It didn't quite work out that way, but it was an interesting idea. Or perhaps he intended it as, "Oh, you want to take pictures, huh? Well here, get a load of this."

Baiting His Enemies: At least that seemed to be what Justin Bieber was doing when full-frontal pics of him leaked for the second time in a year, just two days after Bloom's escapade made the rounds. Considering the worldwide frenzy last October when paps snapped a buck-naked Biebs in Bora Bora, it was at first hard to believe that it had happened again. And then it wasn't.

Truly Relaxing: Perhaps Orlando Bloom really enjoys being naked and this is his go-to outfit whenever he and Katy Perry are behind closed doors. They just so happened to be in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea this time. Meanwhile, it's still a matter of debate whether they were at a public or private beach. The New York Daily News, which pubbed the censored pics on these shores, implies public. Otherwise, Sardinia has designated nude beaches, but it's illegal to go completely naked on a public beach (which is not the same as going topless, which is usually pretty accepted across Italy). Was Bloom throwing caution to the wind in more ways than one?

Giving Katy Perry a Laugh: Or maybe he was just being funny. Since, you know, penises are funny.