Rick Rowell/ABCIt's baaa-aaaack.
Our favorite completely insane Bachelor vacay has returned for yet another summer of sandy beach loving and hopefully lots of lovely weirdos arguing and communing with animals.
We knew from just the opening credits, which featured Lace falling over while Evan ate a banana and Canadian Daniel doused himself in maple syrup, that this season was going to be a purely joyful mess, and we became even surer of that when further introductions included Evan finally buying himself a new shirt in order to get his mojo back.
While at first we were ready to judge these people based on their pasts, it was as we watched Nick Viall worry he might be the runner-up on a show with no runner-up and Chad cuddle his adorable puppy while packing up 40 pounds of protein powder that we made a decision to turn over a new leaf. Let's just let all these lovable wackos make a new first impression on us and see how it goes!
So how did it go? Pretty bad, to be honest, and it's all because of Chad.
At first, our most favorite thing about that premiere was how all of the guys (minus his BFF Canadian Daniel) were terrified of the moment Chad was inevitably going to show up, and all the girls couldn't wait to find out what the guy was really like. We're not sure what that says about the girls or about us, but we really had high hopes for his comeback.
We were so, so, so wrong. Nice new Chad lasted about ten minutes before he started drinking, yelling, throwing around rude names, engaging in a volatile 2-hour relationship with Lace, and even throwing a few punches in the direction of his BFF Canadian Daniel. He ended up wandering down the beach, growling at crabs, before passing out in the sand and crapping his pants.
"Dude let's get murdered, but like, together," he pleaded to Daniel at one point, before moaning about how he needed to make out with someone.
"You have a better chance of making out with a turtle than a girl tonight," the oh-so-wise Canadian Daniel wisely told him. He didn't even get to do that, in the end.
After just one night in Paradise, Chris Harrison called everyone up to the rose palapa (and you can bet we laughed at him yelling about a rose palapa) and kicked Chad out on behalf of everyone involved in the show.
He then lashed out at some producers, and Chris had to confront him once again, only to have his nighttime habits insulted.
"You went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on!" Chad yelled, and we were super disappointed to find that we were not immediately treated to that image on screen.
Of course, instead, we got a to be continued, but a promo showed Chad's inevitable surprise return…
Elsewhere tonight, a few other people also made impressions:
"The Penis Guy:" According to both Jubilee and Amanda, Evan is more attractive in person, which is really good to hear. He "can't even deal" with how cute Amanda is with her cute little kids, and we're kind of ready to ship them and their new generation of The Brady Bunch. We also kinda giggled a bit as he channeled Steve Irwin to investigate Chad and his protein powder.
Canadian Daniel: Canadian Daniel hasn't changed, but how we feel about him kind of has. He's still a bit horrible, but he's an entertaining, hopefully harmless horrible, even when he's comparing women he doesn't find attractive to overripe fruits.
He also blessed us with a few lines like, "I don't know if he makes babies like, onsite," while talking about Evan. We don't know how he'll stick around, but we kinda hope Canadian Daniel does.
Lace: After leaving last season of The Bachelor to find herself, Lace seems to have succeeded at least a little bit. Her self seemed to be slightly more found than it used to be, but she did still get caught up by Chad during their quick love/hate session. But maybe she'll turn it around this season, because "everyone's so nice and genuous!"
The Twins: We still deeply love Hailey and Emily so we were delighted to learn that as long as one of them gets a rose, both of them stay. Hopefully that means we're in for lots more of their creepy synchronized speaking.
Nick: Nick kept a lower profile tonight than he has in the past, and we were pleasantly surprised by the former "villain," whose status as villain is almost laughable now that we've got a Chad. Nick is now the wise one who has twice had his heart ripped through a shredder, so maybe he can even be a helpful mentor to some of the newbies.
Jubilee: "I've been to war and back and I can't handle a little freakin' clown!"
Turns out Jubilee's really got a thing for Jared, so when she was awarded with the first date card of the season, she asked him immediately (good thing Ashley I's not here yet!). He said yes, and they ended up in a literal nightmare full of clowns and pinatas. We don't know what that was about, but it was awful, and we hated it. That's all.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.