The biggest online garage sale is back and damn. It is better than ever. Happy Amazon Prime Day, y'all! This time, they're comin' in hot with unheard of deals on sticks of deodorant, pretzels, and cream for your ween. We can't make this stuff up. If you've been waiting all year to get your hands on generic teal cardigans, toothpaste or an old Carrie Underwood CD, this is your holiday, dear reader. Sound ridiculous? Don't even worry about it. If you use your imagination, there's a use for every single one of these weird-ass items.
1. These Pretzels. We're just gonna go ahead and start this list off with a bang. Who the actual hell is bulk ordering this highly specific flavor so often that Amazon Prime thought this discount would genuinely benefit the people?
2. This hat that is extra on about 19 levels. BABY BOO! She is serving that look with a side of nuggets, amiright ladies?! When we think of Amazon Prime Day, we immediately think of busted tulle derby hats that may or may not have been crafted by preschoolers at a summer camp. Here's hoping one of those feathers falls in our eye leaving us temporarily blind and unable to purchase any more hats like this ever.
3. This anxiety-inducing kids clock. The only thing Telly the Teaching Clock will teach your child is FEAR. Look at that face and tell me you aren't on your knees praying digital watches are included in Prime Day.
4. A baby-sized Segway. Upping the game for Pokémon Go players everywhere for the low, low price of $700 and a side of social suicide.
5. Deodorant you can find literally anywhere. If we wanted a Costco-sized box of Degree, we'd work up a sweat walking to Costco to get one.
6. Soap. What a deal. Groundbreaking. Ring the alarm.
7. Canned Dog Food. We're guessing someone at Amazon had a dog that died and they didn't know what to do with all of its leftover food so they just put it here in hopes someone would buy it. Prime Day is dark, you guys.
8. Beekeeping for Dummies. If you generally consider yourself a dummy and want to learn beekeeping, please do yourself a favor and use this book as a doorstop instead.
9. DZ Nuts cream. This is apparently for cyclists to prevent chaffing but we'd buy it because we're five, and we like the name.
10. Toilet light. College students take note. You're going to want to install this on your pot to avoid those 'oops I drunk-puked in my laundry' nights. Well done, Amazon Prime Day! Always looking out for your customer's needs.