In an unexpected but yet rather perfect pairing, WWE superstar John Cena will co-host the 2016 Teen Choice Awards with actress-singer Victoria Justice. Read that again, but this time, think about it. Think of the possibilities. Greatness can be expected of this duo—as long as certain core requirements are met. These are non-negotiable.
Behold: The seven things that, without question, must occur during Teen Choice 2016:
1. Victoria must walk on stage to a normal, enthusiastic introduction. And then, after a few calm moments, "JOHHHNN CEEENAAA!" must blast through every single speaker not just in the venue but everywhere in the greater Los Angeles area. He must barrel onto the stage, pick up Victoria with one arm and balance her above his head. Again, non-negotiable.
2. When Charlie Puth performs "We Don't Talk Anymore," nominated for Choice Breakup Song, the camera must cut to John Cena brushing away tears on cue.
3. In the likely event that Ariana Grande wins a prized surfboard—she's nominated for four!—she and Victoria, her former Victorious co-star, must engage in a brief Nicki Minaj-Miley Cyrus-style snark battle. Actually, can we also have Nicki and Miley present to jointly determine a winner? Can this be arranged?!
4. Not sure if John and Victoria are well-versed in politics, but it's election season, so we're going to need some topical political humor. We're picturing John as Donald Trump and Victoria as Hope Hicks, Trump's press secretary. There's potential for SNL-level material here.
5. John must agree to a lengthy self-analysis of his performance in Trainwreck, particularly his memorably weird sex scene with Amy Schumer. How much of that was scripted, John, and how much, if any, did you bring to the table from personal experience? Or your friends' personal experiences? Can you elaborate? We're all friends here.
6. Jamie Lynn Spears must appear in a pre-recorded Zoey 101 bit during which Victoria reprises her breakout role as wacky Lola. Blue hair and all. Commit to the craft, V.
7. The most anticipated award of the night is always Choice Liplock— everyone wants to see the winners recreate the steamy moment on stage. John Cena MUST join in on the action. Envision a Jennifer Lawrence-Liam Hemsworth-John Cena onstage makeout. Is such a moment not the epitome of our shared American dream?
The 2016 Teen Choice Awards air Sunday, July 31, on Fox.