Jimmy Kimmel Is Running for Vice President of the United States

"It's time to take our country back. From whom, I don't know, but I want it back," the late-night host says

By Zach Johnson May 13, 2016 11:56 AMTags

Welcome to politics, Jimmy Kimmel.

The Jimmy Kimmel Live! host, 48, kicked off Thursday's episode by announcing his candidacy for Vice President of the United States. Arriving via his campaign bus, Kimmel was flanked by NFL player Rob Gronkowski, security guard Guillermo Rodriguez and a trio of actors he hired to play his family. He addressed his supporters from the steps of the Hollywood Masonic Temple.

"Thank you, my fellow Americans. I have a major announcement to make. But first, what an honor it is to be here in Los Angeles among the natural beauty of Hollywood Blvd. when I became a talk show host more than 13 years ago, I had no idea where this journey would lead," Kimmel continued. "Over the years I've laughed with you, I've cried with you, I've made your children cry on Halloween. I've done my best to serve you the only way I knew how, but today, I stand before you not as a TV host or a father, or an amazing lover—the best lover, for sure—but as an American citizen. Our country, this country, is at a crossroads. The promise of America has been broken. The future of our democracy is slipping through our fat, buttery hands. Millions of people are scared, worried about what is to come, but no one ever has to be scared again. Because tonight, I am humbled to announce that I am officially running for Vice President of the United States. I stand for you. I stand with you. I stand with you, and you—not you, but you, and you, and you, and the two of you, and none of you over there, but you, and maybe others as well. And now, because I am a man of the people, I open it up to the people."

Kimmel then fielded a series of questions:

Q: "Are you for real?"

A: "As Iggy Azalea once said, 'I am the realest.' Yes, I am for real."

Q: "Instead of Vice President, why aren't you running for President?"

A: "Well, that's a great question. Thank you, Mexican-American person. That is because I am not an egomaniac. I am humble like Mother Teresa, and that's why."

Q: "Do you know anything about politics?"

A: "That's a very good question. And I'll answer it with another question: Does anyone know anything about politics, really? The answer is no."

Q: "Do you have a plan to stop ISIS?"

A: "No, but Rob Gronkowski of the New England Patriots and I are going to go to eat later and figure that out."

After wrapping up the Q&A session, Kimmel bid his adieu. "Ladies and gentlemen, as FDR once said, the only thing we have to fear is snakes, and I don't see any snakes out here. Do you, Rob? No. We don't see any snakes. Together, we are going to put the 'I Can' back in 'Amer-I-Can,'" Kimmel told his fans. "Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America."

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Kimmel discussed his policy plans during his monologue.

"Moments ago on the steps of this very theater I announced my candidacy for the second highest office in the United States, Vice President. And since I am the only one running for Vice President, I think I have a real shot at winning this thing," he said in mock seriousness. "It's time to take our country back. From whom, I don't know, but I want it back—and as Vice President, I will never stop fighting for you, unless Game of Thrones is on. In which case, I will stop fighting for an hour, or slightly more, depending how many times I have to rewind to figure out what's going on. But then I will be back to work for you!"

"I am well aware of what the critics will say. The critics will say, 'Is it even possible to make a solo run for Vice President without being selected by a candidate?' And to them I say this: I think so. I'll check it out when I have time. But the important thing is, I know how to do the job. Let's be honest: It's easy to be Vice President. All you have to do is sit there and nod at the President while he speaks. I've done that. Look at this," he said, showing footage of himself nodding during an interview with Barack Obama. "That is what we call experience. I could do that every day. Now, for those of you who think this is a joke, for those who say, 'Oh, this is another prank by Jimmy Kimmel,' I can assure you that bus I pulled up in was very expensive."

To further prove that his political plans are no joke, he revealed his campaign has launched a JK4VP.com—and it works. "You can buy campaign merchandise. We've got hats. We've got mugs. We've got rally towels. We've got hoodies. And, of course, we have T-shirts that say, 'Kimmel: A Good, Solid #2.' I make this promise: All of my campaign merchandise, every bit of it, is made overseas in countries like China, Nicaragua, Bangladesh," the late-night host explained. "I have it made there so Americans can relax. Who the hell wants to make hats? Not me! We also have an official hashtag, which is #KIMMEL4VPOMG. Spread the word! Be part of the revolution! Share your thoughts! Tell me what you would like to see done. I care about what you care about. Even if they are things I don't actually care about, I care about them."

"Over the coming days and weeks, I'll be sharing my positions on the issues that mean the most to me," said Kimmel, who will join Kelly Ripa on Live! Monday morning. "My first order of business as your future Vice President is to win the war on those ridiculously long CVS receipts. I've been railing against them. It's time to do something. It's time that CVS and other drugstores that print out receipts that are as long as a beauty contestant's sash, shorten them! It is time to make them small. And I will do that! It is time to make them small! When I am finished with these CVS receipts, you won't even be able to read them, they'll be so small. I will be your VP, I will be your MVP, I will be your BFF and your PYT. I will be anything you need. Thank you!"

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To Kimmel's surprise, CNN anchors Dana Bash, Wolf Blitzer and Jake Tapper interrupted his monologue to discuss the breaking news. They then took turns asking about his political plans.

Kimmel has a book several engagements in the coming days. According to his website, he has a meeting at 8:30 a.m. Monday in Scottsdale, Ariz., to discuss "spaghetti portion size." At 10 a.m. Tuesday, he'll read "Green Eggs & Ham and other stories to 10th-graders serving detention at Capital High School" in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Finally, at 1 p.m. Wednesday in Sioux City, S.D., Kimmel "will make himself available for photos with WOMEN ONLY. No men, no exceptions."

As his campaign revs into high gear, Jimmy Kimmel Live! viewers are left with one question: Will he fare better than Late Show host Stephen Colbert did with his 2008 Presidential campaign?

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