Tec PetajaI'm wearing a checkered button up, puffy vest and a pair of sensible boots your science teacher used to sport on nature-themed field trips. I look like your friendly L.L.Bean salesperson, ready to help with all your Northwoods camping needs. Is my plumbers crack showing right now? I don't know, probably. Let's not forget about today's makeup look either. You know when you were little, and you would buy a creamy Spiderman-sicle from the ice cream truck? You were so stoked to eat the face of your favorite character, but when you took off the wrapper, it looked nothing like the real thing. Before your crying eyes, you had a lie on a stick, a dripping vanilla slab with runny red Skittles for eyes. That is, essentially, my face every day.
My name is Dominique, and I need a lifestyle makeover. I hate working out, I bleed White Castle, and my favorite activity is sleep.
Praise be to Kristin Cavallari, her new book, Balancing in Heels, just came out. Would it be the change-my-life guide for which I'd been waiting? In it, she offers tips on diet, fitness, fashion and more. Readers can live a balanced life and hopefully come out looking as shiny and happy as she does in that picture above. For the next 24 hours, I would dress, eat, fart and cry just like my favorite Laguna Beach star. Could I balance in K-Cav's heels? Or would I wobble until I broke my ankles? Below is an account, written the following day, of how it all went down.
For the record, I did it all wearing heels.
1. Diet. Kristin's miso salmon recipe was legit. I shopped for the ingredients Wednesday night, and crafted the meal Thursday, eating some for lunch today. To be frank, I only had time for a nibble last night, trying to squeeze in all of the recommended life-changing activities before I rushed off to my boyfriends for the evening. I also tried her Peanut Butter Delight Smoothie. I made this the night before and am enjoying it as I type these words. So far it's delicious, thick and very filling. I would be a dusty-ass cheat if I didn't admit to you fine folk that when I got to the BF's house last night, I ordered a pizza and ate three slices. I'm willing to bet the real reason I feel full right now is because I had two more slices in the car on the way to work this morning.
Outcome: Wobbly. Domino's > Miso Salmon.
2. Fitness. I chose to do what Kristin calls, "The Nap Time Workout." The exercises included everything from leg lifts to crunches. Technically this is recommended for mothers with small children who want to squeeze in a workout during their child's nap time. While I do not have a baby, I do have the tolerance to work out for a quick 30 minutes in the comfort of my home. The only thing I was missing were the weights she recommended. The solution? Challenge myself and work out in my Manolo Blahnik (consignment store-bought) stilettos. Surprisingly, I sort of made it. Two of the exercises I had never heard of before and I kind of fell over while doing a 30-second wall squat. Whatever. Still proud of myself.
Outcome: I'd say I was able to stay balanced. Talk about seizing the day. Squeezing in a 30-minute workout left me feeling accomplished (unlike the cold pizza I shame ate this morning. Christ have mercy on my lard-ridden soul.)
3. Closet. Kristin recommends tossing "anything that you haven't worn in more than two years." Luckily a few weeks before, I had done a similar purge. I was in the clear —except for one thing. I have been trying to throw away this crusty-ass Victoria's Secret Pink thong forever, and I just keep forgetting and wearing it again. I swear to God, it has to be from at least 12th grade. To give you an idea of how foul that is, I just had my ten-year high school reunion in December. Here was my chance to rid myself of the mangy pair once and for all. Unfortunately, I couldn't find it underneath all of my laundry, and was forced to abort mission.
Outcome: Balanced. Kristin basically admits in her book that she's thrown out stained underwear before, so I don't feel that bad about my antique thong.
4. Wardrobe. The Hills star recommends a number of staples to keep in your closet. She's a fan of white blazers, booties, shoes with "a pop of color," jumpers, and color blocking. I put together a blue and white dress, white blazer, and shoes with a "pop of color." Does anyone else want that phrase to die?
Outcome: Balanced AF. I actually appeared alive for once. My boyfriend even told me I looked cute this morning. Bless you, Kristin.
5. Pampering. K-Cav advises treating yourself to an at-home spa day. The list of things to do seemed more like a chore than a cherished moment. Activities include hand-making homemade face masks (do you have the time for that? I know I don't), and wasting precious napping hours in a bathtub. I haven't been able to pay my cleaner to come over for about a month now, so my tub looks like the mossy insides of the sunken Titanic. I wasn't about to soak in that thing. I did, however, opt for the coconut oil hair mask she recommends, something I could do while racing to finish all the other tasks.
Outcome: Wobbly. The coconut oil hair mask did not come out with one wash as Kristin's book had led me to believe. I had to crisp my ends with dry shampoo to keep them from looking like a packet of Twizzlers Pull 'n' Peel.
6. Makeup. Jesus H. Christ on a tomato-basil Triscuit. The woman who has time to cook, clean and coconut oil her head in a 24-hour period is my new freakin' hero. Kristin thinks we should do all of this with makeup on too. Last night I put on tinted moisturizer and concealer and went out the door. This morning I put on lotion and eye cream, and here I am, alive and well. I'm sorry, but after wall squatting my miso-glazed ass off, I just don't feel like effing with my face, and that's okay with me.
Outcome: Help, I've fallen, and I can't get up.
Conclusion: Dearest Kristin, you beautimus, blonde, beanstalk, you. Balance away into the sunset, my friend. Leave me in a pile with my pizza and prehistoric panties. I'm out.
Would you follow Kristin's how-to guide? Share your thoughts in the comments!