Well that was a first!
We didn't go into tonight's Bachelor finale expecting a wedding, but that's what we almost got during tonight's After the Final Rose. Less than an hour after we watched Ben propose to his new fiancee, and just half an hour after he reunited with runner-up (and new Bachelorette) JoJo, and just a few minutes after Jimmy Kimmel disrupted everything to find out where babies come from, Chris Harrison tried to get Lauren and Ben to get married on live TV in the last couple of minutes of the show.
It didn't happen, of course, because that would be weird and only slightly more romantic than hitting up a Vegas drive-thru, but Ben did take the opportunity in front of his hometown pastor and both his and Lauren's families to re-propose.
It was the cutest thing in the world, and we all feel just great about ourselves now, knowing that this gem of a man is off the market and we may never achieve the reality show love that these two have.
At least something interesting happened at the end of the night, because the big dramatic moment we were all waiting for—Ben's reunion with JoJo—was not nearly as big or dramatic as we thought it might be.
It seems like JoJo may just be the most practical and emotionally stable human who has ever been rejected on this show, which makes us all the more excited to watch her slowly crush the hearts of 20-some guys on The Bachelorette.
JoJo had great things to say, and Ben had great things to say back. It was all very calm and collected and not at all fun like TV break-ups are supposed to be.
Her main concern was figuring out at what point Ben realized he was picking Lauren, and while he couldn't say exactly when, he did explain that it was picturing which woman he couldn't live without that really made his decision for him.
JoJo seemed OK with that, just like she seemed OK with everything else, we soon discovered exactly why she seemed so very OK with everything: She's the new Bachelorette!
Ben was then finally permitted to be in public with his fiance, and they just seem as happy as can be. We really thought her white dress was a sign that Chris Harrison's crazy shenanigans were real this time, but alas, Ben deftly rejected the idea of getting married now and instead took over the show for his proposal part 2, and to promise that the wedding will happen "soon."
Chris Harrison was soon forgotten as Ben, around whom we're thinking of forming a new Bachelor religion, addressed the nation.
"For about ten more minutes, I'm still relevant," he said truthfully, before thanking everyone for this opportunity and explaining that it was the weirdest thing he's ever done but also the best thing, etc etc.
And thus ends another season of The Bachelor with one incredibly happy-looking couple metaphorically riding off into a sunset as we hold our bag of popcorn high above our heads to ceremoniously pour the last few crumbs into our mouths. We've never been happier.
The Bachelorette will air this spring, after another season of Dancing with the Stars.