It's safe to say Jason Bateman will never have a spa day again.
The 47-year-old actor appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! Thursday to promote Walt Disney Animation Studios' new movie Zootopia (in theaters now). At one point, host Jimmy Kimmel felt compelled to mention Bateman's appearance. "You look the same as before you cracked puberty," he told the former child star. "You really do look very youthful. Why? Is it just luck?"
"It's a lot of work. I get a lot of cheap work done down in T.J. They put a Velcro strap back here a couple years ago, and I just cinch that up before I do any TV," he joked. In all seriousness, Bateman listens to his wife, Amanda Anka. "She tells my to hydrate with water, skin lotion, toner. I don't want to do all of that, but I live with her, and if she's not happy, I hear about it."
That sounds reasonable enough.
But sometimes, Bateman warned, "It can be dangerous."
A couple of weeks ago, at his wife's insistence, Bateman agreed to visit a spa and get a facial. "I walk in and the gal says, 'You're going to want to take your clothes off, put this robe on and meet me in the back where the hot tub is.' I really want to quick dial my wife and ask her what's on this package," he recalled. "I go with it. I take my clothes off, put my robe on, go down to this room at the end of the hallway, and there's just nothing but a hot tub in there. This is on the border of Beverly Hills, so I'm trusting. Just go with it. She's in there—nice enough woman. The tub looks like a pot you'd put seafood in. It's bubbling and it's hot. She says, 'Jump in!' And sse's not leaving. Not only does it look hot, but I've been married 15 years. No one's seen this—anything—for 15 years. I'm a shy guy. So, I try to position myself where she can't see me once I drop the robe, and I find that position. But I'm not going to lollygag. I'm going to get right in the water, because it's bubbling, so I can get everything under and she's not going to see anything."
It was a better idea in theory. Bateman said he lost "a good layer of skin" after jumping in the hot tub. "The first layer of derma is gone, which I've got to assume is part of the treatment, so I'm feeling pain but I'm assuming beauty," he joked. The woman then left him alone for 20 minutes. "I'm super hot, I'm tingling, I'm sweating, starting to see different colors," he recalled.
Bateman "powered through" the 20 minutes until the woman returned.
"She says, 'OK, next up. Sorry I don't have a pair of disposable boxers for you.' I say, 'What's that for?' She says, 'Now I'm going to clean you.' I said, 'Why? It's 10:30 on a Wednesday. I'm pretty clean. I'm hot as hell, but I'm clean.' She says, 'Don't worry about it.' She hits the button and the bubbles stop, so now I'm in an aquarium. I'm sweating double because of the anxiety. She snaps on a couple of loofa gloves and hits it with some liquid soap. She pulls a full leg up out of the water and starts rubbing the leg, trying to exfoliate what I've got left. She starts making terrible small talk. It's getting me more stressed. She goes to the other leg, she scrubs that, and she goes, 'Now we've got to hose you off with ice water.' At this point, I'm already feeling like broccoli or a lobster or something. I guess you blanch it, right, with cold water? She says, 'Stand up. I've got to hose you off.' Now she wants to hit it with cold water. Everything's wrong. She hoses me off, she leaves and she says, 'Meet me down in the massage room.'"
That's when things took a turn for the worse. "I get out, I start to towel off and I'm starting to feel terrible. I'm starting to really see spots now and I'm feeling nauseous, totally lightheaded, because I've lost a great deal of water. She's boiled me like a clam. I go down and I take a knee, because I feel like the lights might go out and I want to get closer to the ground. I see a chair in the corner. I start to shimmy over there on my knees, and that's the last I remember," he told the late-night host. "Now I'm done. I'm out. I'm completely dehydrated and I'm unconscious."
Imagine Bateman's surprise when he woke up naked in the chair and noticed a small towel draped over his genitals. "There's cold water being poured on me from three Eastern European women now saying, 'God is great! Thanks, God! He's still alive.' And there's seven paramedics around me. I was unresponsive for seven minutes. This is what my wife has done to me to keep the elasticity going," he joked. The incident was so serious, Bateman said, that he "had to get on the phone with Cedars-Sinai saying that I am refusing transport. I'm like, 'You're not taking me out on a gurney onto Sunset Boulevard naked on a Wednesday afternoon.' They're going to think I'm some guy on a bender that just wanted to get pulled on for the afternoon, you know?"
Understandably, Bateman decided to opt out of the facial and chose to head home instead. "But it was paid for," the actor told Kimmel, "so I had to return a week later to get the goods."