You can't make this stuff up.
Every episode of Vanderpump Rules comes with a guarantee that at least one or two cast members will rattle off a truly WTF line of dialogue. That's a given. But there must've been something in the air while the cast filmed tonight's episode of the Bravo hit because the insanity came flying at us left, right, and center. Between James Kennedy's epic crash and burn, Jax Taylor's total mid-life crisis at only 36, and Lala Kent's new-found love of the printed word, this episode was chock full of gold.
Without further ado, we present the 12 most insane things uttered during tonight's Vanderpump Rules.
1. "Nobody wants to talk about Tom's band" - Ariana Madix, about boyfriend Tom Sandoval
Not crazy as much as it is cruel. When your own girlfriend doesn't care about your band? Yeesh.
2. "I wanna be ass tattoo brothers, you know?" - Tom Schwartz, lamenting Sandoval's decision to have that hideous "A" removed from his rear end
No, Schwartz, we don't know. We'll never know.
3. "Would you like to hold his hand or would you like to hold blue balls?" - Sandoval's tattoo removal doctor
4. "I'm, like, so good at squatting. I didn't realize this was a talent I should've tapped into years ago. Squatting is legit." - Stassi Schroeder about taking up residence on Kristen Doute's couch
Actually, Stassi, sqautting—aka taking up an illegal tenancy—is the exact opposite of legit. It's totally illegitimate. Just saying.
5. "I'm working on a Pump CD. It's basically 10 songs composed, written and produced by me. It's pretty much my greatest accomplishment I've done in my life yet. I'm very ambitious and talented in what I'm doing. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I'm the white f—king Kanye West." - James
Unpacking the delusions in this one is definitely beyond our pay grade. But, wow. Just wow.
6. "I'm pushing 30 and I just bought a Sega Genesis. That's who I am. That's who I will be. I think it kinda sucks that I'm still struggling and trying to prove myself to my wife." - Shay
That's just who he is, Scheana. Why can't you accept that you married a man pushing 30 who prioritizes buying obsolete video game consoles over, like, everything else?
7. "I didn't marry you for your money, clearly. My mom always said marry first for money, then for love, and I did the opposite." - Scheana
Oh, that's why.
8. "It's like when you get your pants altered. No returns." - Jax, nervous about purchasing girlfriend Brittany a new set of boobs so soon after beginning to date
But moving in together after five days? Totally legit. Stay classy, Jaxxy.
9. "I've taken up reading books, so yeah, I love it." - Lala
All Peter asked her was how she was doing. That's it.
10. "I was given a book called Fountainhead, which is by Ayn Rand. It's a philosophical books and it's about architecture and architects." - Lala
Wait, that's what Fountainhead is about? Interesting. Oh, and pro tip: It's not pronounced "Ann."
11. "I take sketch comedy very seriously, so it offends me when people think they can just do it." - Ariana
Has there ever been anything that Ariana didn't totally suck all the fun and joy out of? Just wondering.
12. "I feel like I'm not accepted if I'm not talked about." - Jax
But, really, we could've said anyone in the cast said this and you'd probably have believed us.
Which moment of tonight's episode was just the right amount of insanity for you? Sound off in the comments below!
Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9 p.m. on Bravo.
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