Happy Bachelentine's Day!
Before we jump into the big, weird, masturbatory romance party that was The Bachelor at 20: A Celebration of Love, we have to say a quick thank you. Thank you, The Bachelor at 20: A Celebration of Love, for just existing. If you didn't, we'd have to figure out what we're doing for Valentine's Day, which is just the worst. Either we're pressured to make extra romantic plans that never quite live up to that pressure, or we have to sit around all day with our cats, bemoaning our singledom and crying about chocolate lava cake recipes meant for two.
Instead, you made our plans for us, meaning there's no pressure, no money spent, and no lying to nosy relatives necessary. You're our best friend, The Bachelor at 20: A Celebration of Love. You are our ultimate Valentine.
Anyway, that was a strange but fun time, which is probably the best way to describe any scenario that puts all of Bachelor Nation's most memorable residents into one alcohol-filled room to celebrate the nuptials of two people only some of them have even heard of.
Tonight's special actually accomplished quite a lot in those two hours. We got updates on where all the couples are now (including Ashley and JP, who remain our favorites). We got baby and engagement announcements (hey, Ashley S!). We got to look back on clips from nearly every season of this crazy show. We got to watch Tanner and Jade get married, and most importantly, we got to find out exactly what all the former Bachelor stars think a wedding is/means.
In a nutshell, weddings are inspiring and beautiful and wonderful and perfect places for single people to find each other and hook up. Speaking of which, there was not nearly enough hooking up tonight. Everybody talked about it, but nobody actually seemed to do anything, which was lame. We wanted a montage of Chris Soules hitting on literally everyone, and we got nada.
We were, however, delighted to discover that Ashley I. is just as obsessed with Jared as ever, and we could not have been happier to see her cry on our TV screen again. They're apparently great friends now, and she totally thought the perfect place for him to make a move would be at this wedding. He didn't agree.
While everyone else was partying it up, Jared and Ashley sat on the steps.
"You have Paradise body language," she told him.
"I would go to third base tonight with Jared, that's fine," she told us.
"Let's talk about Tanner and Jade," he told her. "That's why we're here right?"
"I don't want to cry on camera anymore," she cried to the camera.
True wuv, right?
Meanwhile, Chris Harrison also caught up with Ashley S, who is now brunette, engaged, seven months pregnant, and still the best, so if there's a competition of some sort going on between the Ashleys, she might be winning.
Now, let's talk about that wedding, which definitely happened. Jade's mic was turned up enough that we could hear all of her nervous breathing, and it was making us breathe nervously while we scarfed Valentine's chocolates. We nearly choked.
Then, in the middle of the vows, it was time for Carly to sing an original song she wrote for Tanner and Jade, and that was fine, and all we could think about was what the OG Bachelor stars were thinking. Like how did Bob Guiney feel about all of this? Or Trista Sutter, who looks like the mom in a rich family on the CW (in the best way possible)?
"What is this Bachelor in Paradise you speak of?" we can imagine them asking. "And what's an iPhone? We've been locked away in a Bachelor vault for the past 13 years, only allowed out for events like this one! Help us!"
Matt Nathanson serenaded the newlyweds and their wedding guests while they were all showered with fire. It was beautiful and just a tad dangerous, like all the best weddings are, and as Ashley cried us out of the special, we felt truly at Bachelor peace.
Then, during the credits, Tanner started twerking and ruined everything. It was terrible. We will never forgive him, but we guess we wish him and Jade the best in their marriage. We guess.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
What did you think of the special? Which couple were you happiest to see? Sound off in the comments!