ABCThings have taken quite a turn on The Bachelor. Not the smart things, mind you. Just the regular, dumb things.
The women are meaner, the man is more confused, and the dates are becoming truly fascinating studies of love, relationships, and the human psyche. They're also crazy entertaining, especially now that we've made it over the hurdle that is the dreaded two-on-one with minimal scarring (on our end).
First, however, there was something to address.
Ben's confrontation of Olivia was not quite the drama we were hoping for, but it did contain some serious gems. The other women were just sure he was going to buck all the long-held Bachelor rules and rescind her rose, but he didn't. Instead, he just expressed confusion while she fake cried and went on about how she likes to read. Here, verbatim, is what she said:
"So from the beginning, when I got the rose and then the second rose, immediately there was like a target on my back. I felt like people hated me, they were finding me aggressive because I would grab you or that I got roses, and then I'd try to pull back, because, you know, and they'd say well why isn't she being social, and I feel like I can't win. I feel like it's been hard for me to relate. Everybody here's really into like, painting their nails and doing each other's hair and that's great, but I'm just different. Like I like reading books I my room and thinking, and that's what I do, and I wanna talk smart…things."
So basically: Olivia is not like other girls. She wants to talk smart things, which is definitely why she's here competing to be named Talker of Smart Things.
Ben didn't seem to be buying what she was selling, whatever it was, but he didn't take back her rose. (Instead, he (read: the producers) set her up to possibly go home in a much more fun way, which we will discuss later.)
The rose ceremony was rather anti-climactic then, with only Jennifer saying goodbye, and also sort of hello, since we haven't heard much from her all season. We've heard even less from Leah, who suddenly decided tonight that she has a voice that needs to be heard, whether it's telling the truth or not.
After they all headed to the Bahamas, a lot of girls were sure they would get the night's one-on-one. They didn't. Instead, it went to Caila, who had already had one. Leah was pissed, as the Bachelor contestants who have forgotten that they are Bachelor contestants usually are.
Caila's date first seemed to be a typical fish-kissing, boat-jumping charmer of an evening, but things got kind of weird. She knew how badly he wanted her to open up, but she just couldn't, like her heart and her mind were arguing about something. First, this made Ben feel bad and confused. Then, he decided that confusion was attractive. He literally said, "It's almost attractive that Caila can be confusing." OK, dude.
We thought for a second that she wouldn't get a rose, but she did, and it was fine. Leah, however, was not fine. She was pretty much livid when she found out she would have to suffer through a group date instead of getting more time with him on the two-on-one, even if that meant going home afterwards.
The two-on-one was instead going to Olivia and Emily, which was probably the most Smart Things move this show has ever made, and it almost pains us that we should probably talk about the pig-swimming, bitch-talking group date first. (We could write a Sarah Palin speech about this episode, you guys.)
For the night's endlessly romantic group date, Ben took Leah, Amanda, Becca, Jojo, and Lauren B to an island to swim with pigs and feed them (the pigs, not the women) chicken hot dogs while they squealed (the women, not the pigs). It was a weird time.
While they were post-date socializing, Leah decided to take it upon herself to just start making s—t up to try and make someone else just as unhappy as she is.
"Lauren B sucks," she basically said. "She's stupid and ugly and you shouldn't date her anymore just because," she might as well have said. It was really more like "Lauren B is not the same Lauren B on dates with you as she is in the house," and it failed miserably, because she had no examples.
Ben immediately asked Lauren B about this accusation, and all it did was confuse the poor girl/frontrunner, again because there were no examples, so she didn't even have anything to defend herself against. She cried about it to the other girls, and Leah turned out to be the worst liar ever as she claimed she never said anything about Lauren B.
Amanda randomly got the date rose, but since Lauren B was still there, Leah tried again. She later went to Ben's room, but not to do anything sexy. She just wanted to continue to tell him that Lauren B sucks. This time, Ben saw through the charade, and sent Leah packing.
Up next, it was a date that almost rivaled last season's Ashley vs. Kelsey two-on-one, but with a way better outcome.
While Olivia was grinning and going on about how the 22 year-old Emily is just so young and immature that she is basically the daughter of the 23 year-old Olivia, who is very mature and definitely grown up, Emily was being normal. While Emily continued to be normal, Olivia wasn't going to even think about such things as other people.
"Ben and I's love is that all-consuming, ever-present, constantly-growing kind of love, and I don't need to prove anything to Ben, we just need to keep progressing today," she said.
The three of them were dropped off on the windiest beach in the Bahamas, and the date didn't last long.
Olivia gave a lengthy speech about how she likes to talk about religion and politics and stuff, and how she's totally in love with Ben. She's in love, and she doesn't care who knows it! Ben reciprocated her kisses, but not with the gusto he used bring to their make outs. His heart was clearly not in it anymore.
His convo with Emily was barely a convo. She was all "I want to be here, I like it here, I like you, I like this beach, this is great, please keep me," and then she was totally devastated when Ben took the rose and walked off with Olivia.
But twist! Ben just took the rose to be cruel, and to show Olivia the thing she could not have. He wasn't feeling it anymore, and it was time for Olivia to go home. This is the face of a girl who is totally and completely shocked:
Emily got the rose and got back on the boat with Ben. Olivia was left to presumably blow away on that beach.
And that wasn't all. We got not one but two rose ceremonies tonight, and we were both totally expecting and not at all expecting the next elimination. Team Lauren is officially down to one, thanks to Ben saying one last goodbye to Lauren H. She cried and cried all the way home probably, while we were left to realize that there are now only six women left.
Six! That means the season is almost over! What will we do with our lives? Who will we make fun of? Who will we make GIFs of, especially now that Olivia is gone?
We might cry, which is worth five points in our Bachelor fantasy league.
Speaking of which, guess it's time to change your picks! You are now allowed to choose two women who will now be gaining you points, starting with next week's episode. Keep track of points in our gallery, and tweet your new picks to @eonlineTV with the hashtag #EBachFL. Choose wisely, because this is for all the marbles.*
*No marbles, sorry.