Boy, this apology tour isn't going so well for Stassi Schroeder.
For the second episode in a row on Vanderpump Rules, she's sat across from an old friend, attempted to apologize, and watched as it all blows up in her face. Last week, it was her old boss Lisa Vanderpump who served Stassi a steaming hot plate of indifference after being ambushed by her in SUR. This week, it was Tom Schwartz. Yep—puppy dog Schwartzy, perhaps the nicest person in the cast, didn't hold anything back.
If Katie Maloney is the big boss battle waiting at the end of Stassi's very own Nintendo game, then it's going to take quite a while for her to get there because she definitely didn't level up after meeting with Tom. That said, can we get some snaps for Schwartzy? Because homeboy delivered.
"You were always a pain in the ass and a bitch and you were venomous and all that stuff, but you were also endearing and you did it in a likable way. However, over the course of the past year, that endearing buffer, it sort of faded away and I feel like what was left was a smug, bitchy shell of your former self. When you severed ties with Katie, it was so cold and so rigid and you were just so ruthlessly dismissive. It was just disgusting. She was so hurt by that. You don't understand how much she cared for you. She really f--king cared for you, you know? And she left the door open for so long and I feel like you're kind of crawling back right now and you're kind of peeking in and you're wondering what's going on…You need some humility and some perspective in your life. Your ego got overinflated. Even if you weren't aware of it, it did. You were a f--king bitch."
Like we said, snaps for Schwartzy.
Stassi tried to counter: "Did I, like, kill your dog?"
But Tom dodged that lazy punch. "Hey, don't get defensive," he said. "Because if you try to rationalize too much and get defensive, I'm gonna leave." And as she started to look dizzy, Schwartzy went in for the TKO.
Punch one: "Just so you know, Katie not responding to you is not a calculated thing. She's not like, ‘Oh, f--k her, man.' She's not like that. It's not like that. It's even worse. It's an indifference, which is worst case scenario."
Trying the tears, Stassi responded, "Why does everybody else get forgiven for things? I don't understand."
Punch two: "They have redeeming qualities."
In a final bit of delusional optimism, Stassi said, "I'm hoping to talk to [Katie] at some point before then."
Punch three: "Oh, yeah, you're dreaming. That's not going to happen."
- Katie isn't going to take Schwartz inviting Stassi to the engagement party well, and, to be fair, that bit of charity really undercut the boss way Tom handled everything else during the sit-down.
- We need to talk about James Kennedy. Between his insinuation that Pump would lose business if Lisa demoted him from DJ to busboy for all of his insolent little tantrums, the crap he have Lala Kent for sex life that's none of his business, and the way he spoke to Kristen Doute after she completely swatted away his attempt to win her back, he takes the prize for biggest creep tonight. We know his smackdown from Lisa is coming—and we can't wait.
- Has there ever been a more quintessential Jax Taylor moment than the moment where he sat on a stoop with his girlfriend, commented on how nice a day it was, and then farted? Seriously, just Jax at his Jax-iest.
- "I'd rather give birth to a dump truck than have that conversation with Lisa again." Amen, Stassi.
Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9 p.m. on Bravo.
(E! and Bravo are both part of the NBCUniversal family.)