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    Bitch-Back: Gossipy Smackdown, Twilight Style!

    Twilight, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart Deana Newcomb/ Summit Entertainment

    Dear Ted:
    The author of Twilight obviously took a cue from Hollywood, not Mormonism, when she wrote the shallow garbage that is Twilight. But what would you know of real Mormons? I used to really like your stuff. But you know what I think, Ted? I think you've gotten all desperate since younger, hotter, more interesting and more controversial gay men (like Perez and Trent) have taken over the world of celebrity gossip and left you scrambling to try to look and act more like them. Otherwise
    , you wouldn't take such desperate, and pathetically hilariously displacement-y measures.

    Dear Dummy-Dearest:
    I have nothing but praise for Perez and Trent. No go on the invite to compare myself to them. We’re all our own bitches. They do their jobs, I do mine—which includes calling out the fact that Twilight is vintage Mormonism, i.e., withholding, patriarchal dogma, and Hollywood sexism, both (as you also pointed out). And what would I know of Mormons? I married one,

    Dear Ted:
    Just wanted to say I heartily applaud your recommendation of Philip Seymour Hoffman as the Penguin for the next Batman installment. Genius! I’m so glad to hear that Rachel Weisz is the more likely Catwoman candidate. Just the thought of Angie taking that role makes me violently heave from an overdose of obviousness. I’d hope the brilliant Christopher Nolan would be more original and thorough in his casting choices. Any word on if the impeccable Morgan Freeman will return? He’s my favorite of the flicks!

    Dear Fanman:
    I would be surprised if M.F. wasn’t back in the third, and very little shocks me in anymore. Will def keep you posted.

    Dear Ted:
    I can't believe Amanda Bynes is dating that boring Doug Reinhardt. Doesn't she read your column? Instead of Dougmanda, I prefer to call them Bynehardt!

    Dear Couple Call:
    Now that I think about it, they’re not even nickname worthy. Unless they have a sex tape or something leaked ASAP, I don’t really think anyone will care about them in a couple of H'wood seconds.

    Dear Ted:
    Love your Truth, Lies, & Ted. It’s even better hearing what you say straight from your mouth. Question about Grey Goose: Is he also an actor? If so, is he currently on TV?

    Dear Goose Hunt:
    Darling, he’s playing the role of his lifetime!

    Dear Ted:
    hy are you so vile to Jennifer Aniston? If you ask me, she's telling you and the rest of the media to kiss her fine, Greek ass. Angelina Jolie has had so many body parts enhanced her mother wouldn't even recognize her. No pun intended.

    Dear Say What:
    I sincerely hope your pun has nothing to do with A’s deceased mother. That would take vile to a whole new level.

    Dear Ted:
    Love you always, and I appreciate your intuition in most matters. With regards to the still-beautiful, but frozen Nicole Kidman, I remember reading one of her interviews where she mused that her career really took off post-Tom because she had so much pain and emotion that needed a vehicle for expression, through her acting. So given that she is currently happy (I know, you forecast that to be maybe short-lived), could it be her career is only temporarily over? Once her and Keith are over, I hope we see more of old-school awesome Nicole. What do you think?
    June, Montreal

    Dear Prophetic Wonder:
    Love where you’re goin' with it,
    cause I, too, adored Nic postdivorce. Only thing is, she won’t get those emotions across if her face is that frozen.

    Dear Ted:
    I have a major bone to pick with you! Your recent item about Ed Westwick's "cavorting" at a "supergay" cabaret has me completely befuddled. For an out and proud man who champions gay causes, heckles closeted actors for their dishonest fronts and calls for more gay actors in gay roles, I am quite shocked at your stance on Westwick's choice in venue that evening. What on earth has he done wrong in your eyes? It's rare that your stance on celebrity behavior confuses me. 

    Dear Doc Gossip:
    It has nothing to do with gay and everything to do with lack of debauchery, I assure you. Piano bars? Please.

    Dear Ted:
    Did you see Kanye West's performance on SNL? Way worse than Ashlee Simpson could have done. A little disappointed no one has totally trashed him for it. Especially since he thinks he is king of the world.


    Dear Don’t Go West:
    I believe you just did.

    Dear Ted:
    Re: The Kate Walsh Divorce. Discuss!

    Dear Old News:
    A Hollywood couple barely married a year is such a snoozefest. Besides, they’re both divas, what the hell do you expect?

    Dear Ted:
    Is Toothy Tile Hugh Jackman? If you can't answer online, please let me know if I am wrong by email. Thanks.

    Dear No Need:
    Wrong vice, babe.

    Dear Ted:
    Bryan Singer
    was on TV this morning. He's a good-looking guy—can't decide if he's just awfully cute or downright hot. Has he ever been a blind vice? Curious.

    Dear Tone Deaf:

    Dear Ted:
    We watched Rocky Horror Picture Show the other night, and while watching we both thought out loud it could be cool to see this classic updated with some of today's very able actors and directors. Then I suddenly thought: Wow, Robert Pattinson would make a great Dr. Frankenfurter! I could totally see him carry the role. We now play a game trying to envision today’s actors for each role. Maybe Baz Luhrman could make amends to those that hated Australia but loved Moulin Rouge? Any thoughts?
    —Don & Jodi, Austin

    Dear Texas Film Critics:
    Sure would have made a lot more sense (and been a lot more fun) than Baz’s snore-pie, Australia. But keep casting—you just may get your remake wish.

    Dear Ted:
    s Oded Goodhead from One Unmanageable Blind Vice Jamie Foxx? He seems to fit the description.

    Dear Quick as a Fox:
    Foxxy Oded is not. Close on the crossover stuff tho.

    Dear Ted:
    Have you heard the rumors of the photo of Daniel Radcliffe with an erection?

    Dear Nudey Potter:
    I should hope he gets them, he’s 19 years old!

    Dear Ted:
    No question this time, I just forgot to tell you how much you brighten up my mornings. I always crack a smile, and sometimes you even have me stifling giggles. Keep yakking about what you believe in. I'll listen to news about Proposition 8 until the cows come home. Or, preferably, until the gays get to the altar.
    Mary M.

    Dear Blushful Babe:
    Thanks much, hon.

    Dear Ted:
    Jeez, can the Industry please stop pushing boring, ridiculous crap on us? Movies are expensive, and I'm sure as heck not gonna spend my money on a dumb showing of Frost/Nixon! Seems like celeb gossip and shenanigans in real life are more entertaining than the movies they are making! Get some new writers in please. They've run out of brilliant ideas. And I'll take bad science fiction to no science fiction, like The Terminator and The Day the Earth Stood Still, any day.

    Dear Rant 'n' Rave:
    isn’t as much for fans as it is for critics. That’s why they don’t rake in the box-office dollars but they bring home Oscar gold.


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