McDonald's, do you love us or do you not? We've been loyal to the choices you've blessed us with over the years —boot nuggets, twist cones, the Filet-O-Fish— but that menu peaked back when it was cool to take out your ear gauges and shove pencils through your lobe holes. In other words, while we never want to say goodbye to your menu's seductive staples, the lack of variety is now as stale as that fry we dropped under the front seat in '05 (but would still eat during an emotional crisis).
This whole wave of thought was brought on by the news that McDonald's Italy, according to Brand Eating, has brought back their "Great Taste of America" menu, star-shaped burger buns and all. Sandwiches on the menu are inspired by different landmarks in the states, including but not limited to the Empire State Building, Route 66 and Miami's Ocean Drive. Tell us, McDonald's, if you can introduce a mini-menu of American-inspired delicacy's to another country, what's stopping you from giving us BB's over in the states a little taste of the far corners of the world? To put it as a toddler might, why can't we have all the cool shiz that all the other restaurants have in other countries?
Whether it's rumors of Toblerone McFlurrys, McSpagetti, Calzones or Poutine, we're tired of being shunned by these extravagant menu options. It's all fine and funky that you're serving the hell out of Go-Gurt and Cuties, but for those of us who don't eat Happy Meals, an orange the size of our statement choker isn't cutting it. We applaud your efforts for introducing Mac and Cheese and Mozzarella sticks, but, like, maybe you could have given us McChoco Potatoes instead of trying to go all #McBagCore on us. Someone hand us our inhaler, we're choking on this nonsense.
What are you trying to say, McDonald's? That we're so hopped up on Hot Cakes, so jacked on our Big Mac's, we as a nation do not have the brain capacity to welcome overseas tastes into our mouth, body and soul? What's next, a press release with the words, 'Don't take it personally but we don't think your taste buds can handle a Pizza McPuff!?'
McDonald's, are you calling us basic?
We've told you before, you don't have to change the root of who you are, but you do need to give us proud Americans some credit. If Italy's down with burgers named after monuments they put on shot glasses, we can vibe with a frickin' McFalafel.
Don't you think it's time we got to try some overseas menu options? Why do you think McDonald's won't show us the love? Sound off in the comments!
Laura Dern talks McDonald's