Let the record show: I have never been so angry and then ultimately so relieved by the first 30 seconds of a TV show!
If you've seen tonight's American Horror Story: Hotel finale, you know precisely what I'm talking about. The episode started with this season's fan favorite Liz (Denis O'Hare) lying on a bed, looking lovely and peaceful and then—Gaaahhhhh!!!!—suddenly getting his throat slit by a bejeweled glove.
Anyone who didn't throw their TV out the window then watched as we flashed back to see what happened to lead up to that moment, and of course after much crying over Liz reconnecting with her son and even being there for the birth of her grandchild, we see that Liz was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer, and this throat slitting—at the hands of The Countess (Lady Gaga) was actually a mercy killing, so that dear Liz can stay in the hotel with her chosen "family."
At this point, of course, we still believe because of what psychic Billie Jean Howard (Sarah Paulson) said, that Tristan (Finn Wittrock) wanted nothing to do with poor heartbroken Liz. But after Liz dies, Tristan appears to tell Liz he loves her, and….and…and….Oh just talk amongst yourselves because it was all too beautiful to form words!
Oh Denis, you are to die for.
Liz got her happy ending and then some, as she reunited with Tristan and could even have her son's family visit her at the Cortez any time she wanted.
There were many emotional endings in Hotel's finale, and it must be mentioned again, Denis O'Hare and Sarah Paulson did some of their best work ever—truly Emmy worthy and here's hoping the TV Academy takes notice.
Another starkly beautiful moment where you probably fought back tears: Sally finally figuring out how to connect with the world, courtesy of Iris' gift of social media (so great), and tossing her needle out the window.
Paulson, of course, pulled double duty in the episode playing both Sally and her season one character, psychic Billie Jean Howard, who apparently became somewhat famous with a Lifetime show since we last saw her.
Billie was the perfect gateway to closure for not only Liz, but also Iris, who got to hear from her son Donovan that he loves her and that where he is, it's always Saturday morning and smells like blueberry pancakes.
Funny, Matt Bomer and pancakes has always been my vision of heaven, too.
And then, of course, there's John Lowe (Wes Bentley). The episode went on so long before we got to his end story, it almost seemed like he may have been forgotten. But alas, no, as John needed to scare the living bejeezus out of Billy Jean by taking her to the Devil's Night soiree and threatening to kill her in all sort of awful ways.
Stay awful, John!
Oh wait, you have.
Which is why it's relatively OK that John appears to have been relegated to hell (he got shot and couldn't climb his way back into the hotel), and only gets to come up to the Cortez once a year to sleep next to Alex and Holden, and check out how much Scarlet (the only aging family member) has grown.
In other news, you guys: SCARLETT IS OK. Despite having the worst parents in existence.
Speaking of, my biggest beef at season's end: John never ripped March apart for orchestrating Holden's kidnapping. What. In. The. What.
But otherwise, a masterful and surprisingly heart-warming ending to a dark and terrifying season. And some deeply layered, moving and even hilarious performances. "Kids are the best!"
American Horror Story will return for a sixth season—the theme of which is yet to be revealed, but Ryan Murphy told us he's already started telling the cast who they'll be playing. So if you see them at the bar…
Best Lines of the Night
"You telling us to stop killing is like Col Sanders telling us to stop eating chicken." – Sally to James Patrick March
"I would hate to lose my hair." – Liz
"You were always my fondest creation. I wanted to be here to help you transition. One last time." -- The Countess to Liz
"Mr. Wu doesn't pay for what?"—Billie Jean Howard
What did you think of the AHS finale? Tweet me at @kristindsantos!