Paul Drinkwater/NBCUniversal via Getty ImagesWell, this is exactly what we expected. And yet, Ricky Gervais still managed to draw shocked gasps and awkward laughter during his Golden Globes opening monologue.
From jabs at Caitlyn Jenner to digs at Jennifer Lawrence, the veteran Globes host made good on his promise to kick the night off with controversial jokes and rants. No one in that room was safe.
Here are the celebrities who got a good ol' fashioned Ricky burn during the beginning of the 2016 Golden Globes:
How he greeted the crowd: "You disgusting, pill-popping, sexual-deviant scum. I want to do this monologue and go into hiding, okay? Not even Sean Penn will find me. Snitch."
On Jeffrey Tambor Transparent's role: "What a role…he has to put on all that women's clothes and the hair and makeup and let people film it. That takes balls. So, I don't know how he does it. I really don't. I've seen his balls. They are huge and long. I don't know if he tucked them in the bra or does that thing when you push them out the back and let them hang out, like a bulldog? No one knows."
On celebs being scared of Ricky: "One Hollywood publication said that me hosting would mean that some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of. As if film stars would stay away from the chance of winning a Golden Globe! Particularly if their film company has already paid for it."
On Spotlight: "The Catholic Church are furious about the film, as it exposes the fact that five percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever."
On Jennifer Lawrence's gender wage gap essay: "Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood and she received overwhelming support from people everywhere. There were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying, ‘how the hell can a 25-year-old live on 52 million?' There were plumbers around the world going, ‘poor girl, wrecking hell!'
More on the gender wage gap: "Of course women should be paid the same as men for doing the same job and I‘d like to say now that I'm getting paid exactly the same as Tina and Amy did last year for hosting this. No, I know there was two of them, but it's not my fault if they want to share the money, is it? That's their stupid fault. It's funny 'cause it's true."
On The Martian: The Hollywood Foreign Press deemed The Martian a comedy and even nominated it. Hence, Matt Damon is here tonight. So, that worked a treat, isn't it? To be fair, The Martian was a lot funnier than Pixels, but then again, so was Schindler's List.
On upcoming all-female reboots: "All-female remakes are the big thing. There's a female remake of Ghostbusters, there's going to be a female remake of Oceans 11. And this is brilliant for the studios. They get guaranteed box office results and they don't have to spend too much money on the cast."
On the actual Golden Globe award: "That award is, no offense, worthless. It's a bit of metal that some nice old confused journalists wanted to give you in person so they could meet you and have a selfie with you, OK? That's all it is. I've got three. One's a door stop. One I use to hit burglars with. And one I keep by the bed 'cause…doesn't matter why. It's mine. I won it fair and square. It is just the right shape and size. So, to be clear, that was a joke about me shoving Golden Globes, that I've won, up my ass. And they asked me to host four times!"
And finally, to kick off the ceremony "On a serious note, the Golden Globes are about excellence. To win one, you have to do something amazing. Neither of our first two presenters have won a Golden Globe. I don't know what they are doing here really. But I don't choose the guests. Please welcome the fantastic Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill."
Needless to say, there is a large shipment of burn ointment on its way to the Golden Globes at this very moment.