Yes, these all would have counted as major jaw-droppers, should they have been real moments and not figments of Andy Samberg's imagination. ("I clearly overshot," he apologized while joking that he pre-wrote his bit, thinking he'd be presenting the night's final award instead of one of the first.)
But it's OK that none of these things happened, as if an awards show hosted by Ricky Gervais needs any extra helpings of drama. The biting Brit didn't disappoint (more on that later), and theoretically all of the shocking moments could have belonged to him, but enough happened out in the actual awards field to keep the show moving along
And we're not talking about Sylvester Stallone winning for Creed (the veteran star was getting Oscar buzz from the first moment critics realized the movie was actually really good), Brie Larson winning for Room (it can't be Cate Blanchett every year) or Leonardo DiCaprio winning for The Revenant (we'll save our hallelujahs for Oscar night). Heck, not even Lady Gaga's win really surprised us, because no one else could be the Countess on American Horror Story: Hotel.
No, we're all about these five-ish moments that prove, once again, you can't get inside the HFPA's head. The fact that they can't stop asking Gervais to host is all the evidence one needs for that...
1. It's a Jungle Out There! Not only is the future of basic cable (as far as the literal meaning of the word basic goes) in danger, and not only are all of the streaming services putting out enough quality content to rival each other...they're putting out enough to rival other shows on the same service! Amazon's freshman sitcom Mozart in the Jungle (about the triumphs and travails of a prodigious conductor) dethroned last year's winner, Transparent, for Best TV Series, Comedy or Musical. Just as was the case a year ago, it has again been proved that TV doesn't need a television anymore to make an impact. And that the HFPA is more willing than any awards-giving body out there to be impacted by a small new show with mighty talent and a riveting hero. Speaking of which, the HFPA, as befitting a group of journalists from a variety of countries, knows no network borders. The win for Best Drama Series went to the quirky hacker thriller Mr. Robot—which is on USA, in case you haven't seen it—and Christian Slater, who plays the title character—was Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series.
2. Crazy Love: Who's a bigger fan of The CW than tween girls and the Hollywood Foreign Press? A year after crowning Jane the Virgin star Gina Rodriguez Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy or Musical, the Globe went to her network mate Rachel Bloom, for her role as a lawyer with the tendency to burst into song who moved across the country to chase after a guy who isn't having it in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend—sort of Felicity meets that one episode of Buffy. And Bloom didn't disappoint when it came time to make a speech. "Oh my god, oh my god," she inhaled-exhaled as she accepted her statue. And the speech ended with a roaring "I love you!" and this triumphant conclusion:
Every awards show needs a moment like this.
3. Ricky F--king Went There—and Then Some: Not content to make sure everyone remembered his "I love a drink as much as the next man, unless that man is Mel Gibson" joke from several years ago, host Ricky Gervais actually returned to the stage to ask the movie star turned punch line: "What the f--k does sugar tits even mean?" Censors bleeped it out, of course, but you can't hide from the Internet.
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4. Matt Damon, Second-Timer: Never have we heard such a humble speech come from such huge movie star. Not tongue-in-cheek at all, Matt Damon sounded truly grateful to win the Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy, for The Martian. (The to-do about whether or not the sci-fi action blockbuster is really a comedy had already been made by, of course, Ricky Gervais.) He acknowledged that it had indeed been 18 years since he was a winner on that stage (with Ben Affleck as half of the screenwriting duo behind Good Will Hunting) and proceeded to sound like a sweet newbie, rather than friggin' Matt Damon."I know how lucky I am, and how lucky to get to do this for a living. And when people go see movies, it's just..." he paused. "It's kinda rare. I've made a lot of movies that people just didn't go see."
You're kinda rare, Matt Damon.
From finally getting his "I promised my kids I'd say something...get ready for bed" moment (no wife or kids the last time he was up there, remember?) to thanking his wife for "you know, everything"...
This was the kind of winning moment we could get used to.
5. Jamie Foxx Could've Timed It Better: Or the Globes could have, if that was a scripted move. Listen, we were theoretically all for a play on Steve Harvey's epic Miss Universe flub. But did it need to happen for an award being given to the ever-deserving Ennio Moricone—who, as Quentin Tarantino pointed out, has inexplicably never won an Oscar for one of his magnificent movie scores (minus an honorary in 2007) and wasn't even nominated for The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. (You know the Western music you hear in everything? That's him.) At least Morricone wasn't there in person to have to sit through that, and then Tarantino, accepting on the 87-year-old maestro's behalf, completely ran off on his usual verbose tangents. Oddly enough, however, the supposed film-history buff claimed that Morricone had "never won an award for any one individual movie that he's done. He has in Italy! But not in America."
Er...his Globe for The Hateful Eight wasn't the Italian composer's first. He had actually won two previous Golden Globes for his original scores for The Mission and The Legend of 1900. So just an odd moment all around. Presumably when a similar scenario, minus the Harvey joke, unfolds at the Oscars, Tarantino will have his facts straight.
Don't miss the Fashion Police Golden Globes special Monday at 8 p.m., only on E!