Doug Hyun/FXRaise your hand if you could watch Darren Criss order artisanal cheeses and grilled romaine for daysssssss.
Just kidding, we could not either, and that was annoyingly funny as hell, but kudos to the artist formerly known as Blaine for deftly playing such a douchetastic 180 as Hotel Cortez's resident hipster a-hole in tonight's American Horror Story: Hotel. (Glee's Kurt would have put him on blast at the first pretentious eye-roll, thus saving his life, further proving Klaine fans made a really valid life choice.)
In other news, this episode appeared to be one heck of a pro-vaccination PSA, and gave us a big ol' whiff of what's to come…
BIGGEST REVEALS
Liz Taylor's Backstory Was Everything. Denis O'Hare's spine-tingling portrayal of Nick-turned-Liz in this episode was stunning—as was the reveal that Liz is quite possibly the only actually living person left in the hotel. (Aside from John Lowe, and frankly, the jury is still out with him.) WHY hasn't he been turned?
John Lowe Is Either Out of His Mind, or Dead, or Both. How else can you explain all the memory lapses and lack of sanity? Let's just say that when Prison Break's T-Bag (Robert Knepper) is calling out your mental state, you're probably the craziest mo fo around. (My money's still on John Lowe to actually be in on the 10 Commandment killings somehow. Not likely, but would be such a cool twist.)
Parents Really Should Vaccinate. Talk about what was perhaps the most violently awful/memorable pro-vaccination PSA of all time. Not only would Alex's (Chloe Sevigny) patient surely have died from measles without being turned (something she had warned against), the parents who chose not to vaccinate ended up bloody on the kitchen floor while their son went on to do unspeakable acts.
No really, that whole school storyline was…unspeakable. Hard pass on any commentary as I'll likely not be sleeping tonight.
THEORIES/PREDICTIONS
Kathy Bates' Iris Can't Be Long For This World. We've already seen what The Countess (Lady Gaga) hates more than anything: betrayal. So the fact that Donovan (Matt Bomer) turned his mother without The Countess's knowledge or permission, and is now setting her up to be a mole cannot bode well for either one of them. Especially since The Countess clearly knew Iris had been turned the second she saw her.
Will Drake's Son Jasper Can't Be Safe. The way this show has been going, we have to imagine he will be sucked into The Countess's jelly-bean lair sooner rather than later. Right?
Scarlett May or May Not Be Alive. Her mom's a blood-sucker and her dad has lost his mind. Both are living at the hotel and now mommy is snuggling up every night inside a coffin which, we're guessing, doesn't accept calls, even from lesser-loved siblings. Hey, can someone call Child Protective Services? (Basically on this whole show?) Scarlett probably is at grandma's but…STILL.
The Countess's History Is Sure to be Fascinating. Don't forget Gaga filmed scenes outside season one's Murder House while wearing a baby bump. The mind continues to boggle…with hopes that this somehow involves a reappearance of Connie Britton's flawless hair. Bets on who will be/could be The Countess' (and possibly James March's) offspring? My money's currently on John Lowe.
Tweet me your own craziest/best theories: @kristindsantos!