Columbia PicturesIt's a '90s kid's dream come true—Goosebumps is now a movie.
As wee ones, most of us were completely obsessed with these creepy-crawly tales, and a sizable portion of today's millennials probably have R.L. Stine to thank for their current literacy levels. It's debatable whether anything but haunted summer camps and cars operated by ghosts would have motivated so many children to read, so it makes perfect sense to translate the sensation onto the big screen.
Seeing childhood stories come to life is always a good time, but most fans place the most importance on whether the movie version can stay true to the books. In Goosebumps' case, the flick took a decidedly different route. Instead of focusing on one particular book from the series, the movie centers around R.L. Stine. The author, played by Jack Black, is the creepy next door neighbor who holes himself up writing books—but there's a twist. He can actually conjure all of the monsters from his tales, and the only way to keep them from wreaking havoc on society is to lock the books up tight.
Spoiler alert, but this doesn't go as planned. The result is decidedly cheesier than the original books (or maybe it's that our adult selves aren't as easily entertained as our 12-year-old selves), but it does give the opportunity for the filmmakers to bring a dizzying amount of the monsters to life. Naturally this begs a ranking, since it's probably the only time you'll see these guys all together. Here are (almost) all of the movie's monsters, ranked by spookiness.
14. The Blob That Ate Everyone. This thing is nasty; it's a giant blob for Pete's sake. But as far as creepiness goes, it's pretty harmless. In fact, getting sucked up by the thing kind of seems like a slimy version of a roller coaster.
13. The Invisible Boy. This bro is a straight nuisance. But as annoying he is with his pranks and invisible slaps, he's not the biggest threat.
12. The Man-Eating Plant. No person should ever have to see a flower with teeth—especially teeth as crooked as these. We were more amused than scared by Little Comic Shop of Horrors, but in the movie version there's a whole slew of them.
11. R.L. Stine Himself. Okay so he isn't exactly a Goosebumps monster, but he is a creepy figure who plays an integral part of the movie. Jack Black is a little hard to take seriously, what with his funny accent and angry eyebrows, but that's kind of the point. And let's just say we wouldn't want to be stuck in a dark basement with this guy.
10. The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena. At first glance, this guy's actually kind of cute. It's basically a giant polar bear! But then he bares his teeth, and, well...not so cute.
9. The Haunted Car. This is just an old clunker that happens to be on a murderous rampage. It's mildly creepy on its own, but when you see drives it, have mercy on your soul.
8. The Aliens. Make that aliens with freeze blasters. Did anyone else get a Hocus Pocus vibe when all the townspeople were frozen? Just us?
7. The Flying Bugs. Nope, nope, nope. No matter how non-lethal this monster is, no one should have to deal with swarms of giant angry bugs. We're gagging just thinking about it.
6. The Werewolf of Fever Swamp. There's no part of a (probably) rabid wolf-man who's only mission in life is to kill and eat humans that isn't terrifying. This is one of the monsters that haunted our childhood dreams, and it's not much different as an adult.
5. The Zombies. Blame The Walking Dead, but America will never look at zombies again. In Goosebumps they don't walk among the living, but they do attack a group of children in a cemetery late at night, so there's that.
4. The Barking Ghost. Poodles are spooky enough on their own—why does a dog have a ponytails? But add in the fact that it's a flying demon ghost with a penchant for popping out of nowhere...and that's how it earns the number four spot.
3. The Lawn Gnomes. Seriously, keep off their grass. These wooden dolls of death are cunning, conniving, and can multiply with a split-second notice. Oh, and they can come back to life.
2. The Giant Praying Mantis. You can thank The Shocker on Shock Street for your post-Goosebumps movie nightmares. We don't know when movies will get the hint that we hate seeing slimy, slobbery insects up close. Didn't we pay enough penance with Harry Potter?
1. Slappy the Dummy. Just...no. As if we would ever consider owning a ventriloquist dummy before, this guy just ruled out any future toys, period.