Welcome to the Hotel Cortez, where everything is totally f--ked.
We had no idea what to expect going into this season of American Horror Story, and just like every good episode of AHS, we still have no idea what's going on, but that doesn't mean we're not obsessed.
Is everyone dead? Is Gaga a vampire? Is it weird that we watched Gaga and Matt Bomer's orgy murder scene (after a trip to a poorly attended Cinespia screening, no less!), and thought, "Well, if you gotta die..." (Answers: Probably, no, and no?)
It appears that Gaga and her hotel are in the business of murdering people (in some of the worst possible ways) and dooming them to an eternal afterlife of hanging out in the hotel and looking both beautiful and very ill at the same time. She also steals children from carousels and turns them into adorable not-vampire ghost children, much to the chagrin of parents like Chloe Sevigny and Wes Bentley.
There's also some serious mother/son drama between Kathy Bates and Matt Bomer, with a little Sarah Paulson mixed in there, topped off with some Gaga and a slightly mysterious fashion designer played by Cheyenne Jackson.
And of course, we've got Max Greenfield, whose face no longer says "Schmidt" to us. Instead, it says "OH DEAR GOD LOOK AWAY LOOK AWAY."
On that note, the E! Online TV team had a lot of thoughts about this premiere, so here's what disturbed and excited us the most!
Moment that disturbed us the most:
Thank you, American Horror Story: Hotel for making me even more nervous about traveling and staying in hotels with that mattress scene in the very beginning. Who was that? Why? How could you? Yes, I found this even more scary than the featureless creature raping Max Greenfield with a gold dildo weapon, which is saying a lot because that was pretty f--king terrifying. —Chris Harnick
I will never be able to watch Schmidt on New Girl the same way again after that absolutely horrifying and scarring rape scene featuring Max Greenfield. It just went too far for me. I mean, a drillbit dildo? NOOOOO. —Tierney Bricker
Yes, Max Greenfield's torturous death is horrific, but The Countess' creepy little blonde kids snacking on that poor Swedish tourist? No thanks. The less I see of those kids, the better. —Billy Nilles
Not to pile on, BUT DID YOU SEE THE MAX GREENFIELD SCENE?! I am not okay. Like, could not finish my dinner and am still feeling queasy. Big old NOPE. Also, those blonde devil children will haunt me for a long time. —Jean Bentley
Honestly I don't know what Max Greenfield thing everyone else is talking about, because I had my eyes closed as soon as Sarah Paulson ominously claimed his sweetness for her own. I did, however, see that crime scene in which the dead girl and the STILL LIVING guy had their eyes and tongues removed and their genitals super-glued together. That was a lot of fun, in opposite land. —Lauren Piester
Moment that excited us the most:
That gorgeous Art Deco hotel set is never going to get old. Never! Also—let's talk about literally every single thing Lady Gaga wore, because it was all perfect. —Jean Bentley
Come on, Matt Bomer and Lady Gaga's entrance in act two is the stuff legends are made of. Just pure magic. I also love me an epic music montage, so the final sequence, perfectly set to "Hotel California," and featured all of the hotel's major players, gave me chills. —Tierney Bricker
Can it be scenes? Seeing Matt Bomer in all his glory in various scenes was pretty sweet, but I got immediately more intrigued and excited about what's to come when Kathy Bates pushed Sarah Paulson's character out the window. They're all dead, right? Right?! —Chris Harnick
Gaga and Bomer's first scene is off-the-charts incredible, but I'm more excited by the return of Christine Estabrook's realtor Marcy, last seen in Murder House. The explicit tie-in to that previous season, and the similarities in the demented locales that seem to trap the dead, have me dying to know just how important to this whole thing Marcy is. Anyone up for a Marcy: Devil Realtor spin-off? —Billy Nilles
I was already head-over-heels for the music, the set, and the general mood of the whole thing, but after half an hour of rape and torture, Lady Gaga and Matt Bomer's sexy getting ready song (not to be confused with Crazy Ex-Girlfriend's way less sexy/bloody but way catchier "Sexy Getting Ready Song") followed by a group sex & murder party was what really got my attention. This show is nuts, but it's also a total work of art. —Lauren Piester
What did you think? Sound off in the comments, and don't forget to watch our full interview with the incredible Lady Gaga by pressing play above.
American Horror Story: Hotel airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on FX.