Dear Amy Schumer: Here Is Our Application to Be Your Best Friend

We have listed all our qualifications for the Trainwreck star and we hope she accepts us as a besite

By Jenna Mullins Oct 07, 2015 7:50 PMTags
guess the Booty round two, Amy SchumerINFphoto.com

Since Amy Schumer hasn't responded to our calls, emails, texts, tweets, Facebook messages, letters left on her doorstep and the writing on her fogged up bathroom mirror while she's in the shower, we decided to just be a bit more professional and submit an official application to be her best friend.

Amy, please consider us for the position of Best Friend Forever. 

AMY SCHUMER BEST FRIEND APPLICATION

Objective:
Gain and maintain best friend status with Emmy-winner Amy Schumer in order to brunch together and have Netflix and Chill nights in our sweatpants.

Education:
School of Twitter, 2009 – present
Social Media Stalking University, 2012 – present
Netflix, 2007 – present

Fox

Qualifications:
One time you favorite'd a tweet we wrote about you
We hate wearing pants
We used to pull the bag out of boxed wine and chug directly from that
We have had several daydreams about the two of us staying up late binge-watching every episode of Chopped
We almost always choose the right Instagram filter
If we make a joke a nobody laughs, we just make a fart noise, which gets a laugh 33% of the time
We don't talk back or give lip
Napping is our favorite activity, unless you don't want to nap in which case let's do whatever you want to do

Special Skills:
Chipotle order always needs more than one tortilla to wrap up the burrito because it's so big
Can side-eye anyone better than the rest of them
We can weave wonderful or harrowing tales using just emojis
Can sit there and literally not talk for hours because we are too involved with videos of cats who are friends with goats
Can always fit a clever tweet in 140 characters while including the perfect GIF
Team player if that team includes you
Proficient in MS Paint and MS Excel

Three Words to Describe Us: 
Tenacious, tactical and tyrannosaurus

Summary:
Please be our best friend so we can enjoy your existence. Even if you don't like us that much, just let us stand in or around your general radius. We promise not to breathe too heavily.

Thank you for considering us for this position. 

Regards,

Your Future Bestie

Watch: Does Amy Schumer Want to Host the 2016 Oscars?