Why Carole Didn't Want Her Emotional Real Housewives of New York Moment—And What Changed Her Mind

Things got very real on Bravo's hit reality show and they almost didn't happen

Carole Radziwill did something she never thought she'd do on The Real Housewives of New York City and the results were worth it. The writer and reality star took cameras with her on her emotional journey to London to retrieve her late husband's ashes, something she originally had no plans to do.

In her Bravo blog, Carole said she doesn't create stories for the camera, what you see is what you get.

"The London story is no different, except that it was a story I was reluctant to tell for many years. And one I almost didn't tell. Those who have watched me for the past three seasons know that my husband's family and my past life is not something I discuss on camera. I wrote a memoir years ago and everything I have to say about that part of my life is there, in that one place, the end. But life is funny," she said. "Just when you think you've written an ending, a plot point pops up. My latest one came in the form of an email from the church where I had interned my late husband's ashes on the one year anniversary of his death, over 15 years ago. It was the strangest request--please come pick up your husband's urn. Luckily, Anthony left me with the gift of his beautiful sense of humor. No one could have appreciated this twist of fate more than him. Off to London I went."

Carole admitted she was reluctant to let Bravo follow her on the trip. In fact, she initially said no. "I couldn't imagine talking about this part of my life so publicly," she wrote. But she sought advice from Father Damien in London and discussed what has transpired in the last 15 years of her life.

"As this was happening, I remembered a promise I made to myself after Anthony's death that I would listen to what the universe was putting in front of me--the good, the bad, and the weird--and I would follow it with as much courage as I could muster. For better or worse I signed on to this show," she wrote. "And here I am. Sure, I cried a bit and that is always embarrassing to me to watch, but in the end, as I watched it, I felt proud. Proud that I had the courage to talk about my husband. Proud, again, of the life we built together and proud of the life I have built since."

Carole went on to discuss her relationship with Anthony's mother, Lee Radziwill, while smacking down rumors Lee was upset she brought cameras with her for such a personal moment.  While in London, Carole and costar Dorinda Medley shared their stories in a scene that was so uncharacteristically refreshing for Real Housewives of New York—really Real Housewives of any city.

"My heartbreak isn't harder than anyone else's. We all have to endure this life journey. Mine has brought me immense joy and immense pain. I've loved and lost. And like everyone else who has done that, I'm more hesitant now," Carole shared. "Our hearts are not as resilient as we pretend them to be. It's one thing to post uplifting inspirational words by day, it's another thing to try to sleep with the scars at night."

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Tuesdays, 9 p.m. on Bravo.

(E! and Bravo are both part of the NBCUniversal family.)