Every Single Thing I Thought While Watching Jaws for the First Time

Hint: It's not pretty.

It is June 19, 2015, and I have never seen Jaws. 

Should I turn in my movie fan membership card now or after I'm done writing this? I won't go into specific excuses as to why I've never watched the Steven Spielberg classic, mostly because I don't have any. I have literally no idea why I never got around to watching it. It could be partly due to my fear of the depths of the ocean (cruises? See you never.), but I have inexplicably (and embarrassingly) seen both Open Water and Into the Blue. 

But never mind all that. This month is the 40th anniversary of Jaws, and the flick is hitting theaters this weekend for another hoorah. I figured there's no better time than the present than to take two hours out of my day and cross another much-loved movie off my list. Although I really wish it weren't two hours long.

If you were wondering what it's like inside of the brain of a person who's never seen Jaws, you're in luck! I'm sharing all of my thoughts IN REAL TIME to answer all of your questions. Would I be scared? Does the story hold up 40 years later? Will I be so annoyed by the people of Amity that I stab out my own eye? Spoiler alert: No, kind of, and yes. Pop in your own copy of Jaws and follow along.

1. Ten minutes in and I was so distracted by the retro intro graphics that I forgot I was supposed to be having other thoughts. Rewind!

2. God, I wish I grew up in the '70s. 2015 sucks.

3. Here's the hot blonde girl! This chick's gonna die.

4. I probably should have thought about the fact that I'm terrified of the depths of the ocean before I signed onto this. How many underwater shots are there gonna be?

5. Yep, she gone. It was a good run, hot blonde girl.

6. I have some critique's for this "police department's" procedures already. Clearly they've never seen Law & Order.

7. I think I hate everyone in this town. Can the police chief live?

8. I just hit pause to ask around if the dog dies. Thank god for DoesTheDogDie.com!

9. If Chief Brody a babe? Pls advise.

10. Pippen :(

11. Straight up, who's going out hunting for a killer shark in a tiny boat made of, like, two sticks?

12. Welp, now they're doing an autopsy on hot blonde girl. I'm just gonna fast-forward through this scene so as to keep my lunch down (despite the fact that it's the fakest corpse ever).

13. I literally want to punch everyone in this town, except for the oceanographer man. Why are they so casual about a DEADLY SHARK?

14. I like the Chief's wine pour. The original Olivia Pope, ladies and gentleman!

15. Another disgusting autopsy. Fun!

16. Lololololol drunk Chief Brody on a boat.

17. Remember that time the oceanographer thought it was a good idea to go scuba diving near a boat that was just attacked by a shark? Smart.

18. Have I mentioned how badly I want to punch people? Not sure if this is getting across clearly.

19. "Calling anyone with a gun to the beach." What a fabulous safety plan!

20. I'm halfway through now, and rather surprised that there's been so little action. I've barely been scared once.

21. I really envisioned this movie as 90 minutes of that don don...don don don don don song.

22. Although this scene of everyone kicking and falling over each other to get out of the water is pretty accurate. Can't say I wouldn't trample anyone if I was at the beach with a shark.

23. "Here's to swimming with bow-legged women." Can someone please explain this cheers?

24. Oh, snap. The oceanographer's coming in hot with the trendy bucket hat!

25. Okay Spielberg, let's move this shark-catching scene along. I don't need 30 minutes of three dudes bickering with each other.

26. (Finally).

27. (False alarm. Shark-catching scene back to three dudes bickering.)

28. THIS IS ACTUALLY THE LONGEST FISHING SCENE I'VE EVER WATCHED. Did I accidentally put on The Old Man and the Sea?

29. Again, I'm going back to today's theme: Idiots. I thought the oceanographer was smart enough not to get in the shark cage. OR at least to not drop the damn sword immediately.

30. Really trying to remember that this movie is 40 years old, but man that is one fake a-- shark.

31. I survived! I made it through! And fortunately the same can't be said for that boob Quinn.

32. But really though, that's how this movie ends? They're just swimming back to shore? No jubilant hoorahs with the townspeople? No rejoicing? Weak.