Erik Pendzich/REX USAThe 2016 republican field is getting really crowded, but Donald Trump is determined to stand out. And not just because of his phenomenal hair! No, he's got like, opinions and plans and policies and everything. It's almost like he's a real politician.
In this attempt to prove to the world that he could actually be president, Trump even gave a campaign speech this morning. He stood in front of the Trump Tower and declared that he has, like, stuff he wants to do for America. As predicted, the speech was...special. In true Donald fashion, there was a lot of self-aggrandizing and also a few reminders that our country is doomed.
The morning began with an introduction from daughter Ivanka Trump in which she said, "My father is the opposite of politically correct. He says what he means and means what he says."
While she was right on the not-being-politically-correct part (where our birthers at?!), we have a little bone to pick with the rest of her statement. In fact, we'd go so far as to say that ol' Trumpy actually stuffed his speech chock full of hidden meanings. But since we're fluent in Trumpese, we've translated some of his more outrageous statements into layman's terms. You can thank us later, America—after you're done ordering your Trump 2016 shirts.
What he said: "I am officially running for president of the United States and we are going to make our country great again."
What he meant: "Are you poor? Get ready to be shipped to Canada! Sayonara suckassss."
What he said: "I will be the greatest jobs President that God ever created."
What he meant: "At least I can beat Bill Clinton at one thing, amirite?"
What he said: "People say, Mr. Trump, you're not a nice person. But actually I am."
What he meant: "I once saw a homeless person on the street and I stepped right over him without even kicking him."
What he said: "I'm really rich."
What he meant: "I'm like, REALLY REALLY rich."
What he said: "Saudi Arabia without us is gone. They're gone."
What he meant: "Saudi Arabia is the place with all the sand, right?"
What he said: "Obama's going to be out playing golf. He might even be on one of my courses."
What he meant: "I own golf courses because I'm really rich. Like, REALLY REALLY rich."
What he said: "I beat China all the time."
What he meant: "I'm pretty sure I'm richer than China."
What he said: "Sadly the American dream is dead."
What he meant: "Luckily for me, I own all the money."
What he said: "Nobody will be tougher on ISIS than Donald Trump."
What he meant: "Nobody will be tougher on ISIS than the people Donald Trump passes off the problem of ISIS to."
What he said: "Mexico is laughing at our stupidity."
What he meant: "Mexico caught a glimpse of my hair on a windy day."
What he said: "I will build a great, great wall on our southern border and I will make Mexico pay for that wall."
What he meant: "I won't let one more day go by in which authentic burritos sully the good name of Taco Bell. Out with the burritos!"
What he said: "I like China. I just sold an apartment for $15 million to someone from China. Am I supposed to dislike them?"
What he meant: "I like money. I just sold an apartment for $15 million to someone with money. Am I supposed to dislike money? Money, money, money, money. MONEY!"