The Entourage movie is big. Like, really big.
In fact it's so big that it can accurately be described as one incredibly long, incredibly blown-out episode of the show. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, if you were a fan of the original series and all that came with it (bro mentality, glitzy lifestyles and lots and lots of boobs), you won't be disappointed with the big-screen version. Especially the boob part.
Entourage was also known for packing in celebrity cameos whenever possible, and the team didn't hold back at all for the flick. There are so many stars popping up left and right onscreen that it's nearly impossible to keep track. See our notepad full of frantically-scribbled notes for proof.
In fact, there's one point in the movie that if one were to, say, sneeze, one would have missed several cameos by the time your eyes opened again. (Sorry, group of professional athletes). Since there's a good chance you'd prefer to spend your time enjoying Ari's hysterical meltdowns instead of counting A-listers, we've decided to evaluate each of their parts for you, using our totally subjective and non-scientific ranking.
Of course, since we're only human (and cannot prevent things like sneezes), we ourselves may have missed a few. We've also left off the list anyone with a major part in the flick (like Emily Ratajkowski or Ronda Rousey) or who doesn't actually play themselves (the genius that is Haley Joel Osment as a skeezy Texan). And, this should go without saying, but spoilers ahead!
27. Mark Wahlberg. His cameo was inevitable. What we were surprised by, however, was his ability to plug both Ted 2 and Wahlburgers in a five-second span.
26. David Arquette. Of course he would show up to party full of young people that he probably wasn't invited to!
25. Athletes Who Stand There. There are so many, and they do so little, that we didn't think they deserved individual rankings. (Here's looking at you, Julian Edelman, Michael Strahan, Amare Stoudemire, Kevin Durant and those four Los Angeles Kings players who 99% of audience members won't recognize anyways).
24. Tom Brady. No. Just...no.
23. Greg Louganis. In full disclosure, after the audience cracked up at his appearance at a party, we had to ask our theater neighbor to identify Louganis. Was he always that tan?
22. Jessica Alba. Sorry girl, but we're just not buying the whole I'm-a-diva-who-ultimatums-Ari-into-greenlighting-my-passion-project schtick.
21. Ed O'Neill. You'd think at one point audiences would get tired of seeing normally polite audiences do cameos in Entourage in which they come across Ari and shout some sort of profanity at him but...oh, wait.
20. Mark Cuban. The only guy who can show up to support a friend's big screening and have the gall to pimp out his own tequila brand in the process.
19. Armie Hammer. Fighting with Vince over a girl is always funny, but less so when you know the actor (who's playing himself) actually has a wife and baby.
18. David Spade. He's on Ari's studio lot filming something, which means the audience is asked to believe that David Spade still gets roles. Hmm.
17. Jon Favreau. Otherwise known as Party Guest #5: The Guy With an Attitude Problem.
16. Chad Lowe. He's a total lamaze class creeper who hits on Sloan but he's Rob Lowe's brother so it's whatever.
15. Piers Morgan. The news anchor helms a special about Vince and the boys that basically serves as an unnecessary recap (after all, is anyone seeing the Entourage movie that didn't see the show?), but he does manage to get Ari a little hot and bothered with his line of questioning.
14. Clay Matthews. He wears a ponytail and he arm wrestles...and that, friends, is the totality of his skills.
13. Mike Tyson. Sure.
12. Calvin Harris. A cameo in a movie that's in a movie. Too complicated? Just blink and you won't have to worry about it.
11. Maria Menounos, Matt Lauer and Terrence Jenkins. Shoutout to the NBCUniversal family, yo! You rocked that fake-movie red carpet.
10. Russell Wilson. Okay, so he can't act, but you've gotta appreciate the pump-up speech he gives E about overcoming your lack of height. (Read: He commiserates about being short).
9. Gary Busey. His drugged-out pep talk to unsuspecting partygoers was funny enough, but then we read that he doesn't even remember being on Entourage the first time around. Solid Gold.
8. Warren Buffett. He literally does nothing but ride a golf cart through a studio lot, but it's Warren Buffett! In Entourage!
7. Rob Gronkowski. The New England Patriots player does what he does best: Beer bongs. Obnoxious? Sure, but it's honest.
6. Pharrell. He wears The Hat. Game over.
5. Bog Saget. It wouldn't be Entourage without Danny Tanner showing up and creeping us all out with a dirty joke about young girls.
4. George Takei. This one is too sacred for a spoiler, but we'll just warn you to sit tight through the credits. It's worth it.
3. Liam Neeson. If only real-life Neeson was the kind of guy who tells Ari to "go f--k himelf" and then peels off in his convertible.
2. Kelsey Grammer. Whoever talked Frasier into taping his cameo at a couples counselor deserves all the Oscars.
1. T.I. A rapper in an OB-GYN's office making fun of himself for having too many kids? Yes, and yes.