ABCIf you like men wearing diapers, and getting real scared of snakes…then tonight's Bachelorette was just for you!
There were so many moments throughout tonight's episode that felt like real love to us, and we're talking about us, not Kaitlyn.
We fell hard for Shawn B. the moment we saw him on the premiere (and even before), and then fell even harder tonight when we got to see most of his butt. We found ourselves deeply attracted to Ben Z. as he overcame his Indiana Jones-esque fear of snakes to get him and Kaitlyn out of that scary room. We then became overwhelmed with feelings of intense ovary-splosion-type attraction to Ben H. as he explained reproduction to a group of children by acting as a sperm. This was a good night for us. A really good night.
Unfortunately, it all had to end on a dramatic cliffhanger, damning us all to a week of going, "Whyyyy?"
Anyway, let's start at the beginning.
We picked up right where we left off last week, with Kaitlyn heading out to ask Kupah why he was yelling. He continued to yell, but we were so over it, so we paid no attention to what he was saying. He was clearly going home, so any further yelling was irrelevant. Kaitlyn told him to shut up, so he switched to whispering after she went back to her interview.
"We're gonna whisper," he said, and we couldn't help but wonder if he was attempting some cross-promotion for ABC's new show, The Whispers. He whispered something about Kaitlyn having chlamydia, and we whispered back, "Byyyye Kupah."
Then, it was finally time for the rose ceremony. Sharp-faced black-eyed Jared got the first rose, and then some other people got roses, and a couple of guys went home, but not anyone we ever cared about, so we neglected to learn their names. We are good at this job!
What happened next would have terrified us to the bone: two gigantic sumo wrestlers snuck into the house to wake the guys up with a gong and some yelling, and then Chris Harrison explained that the day's group date would consist of putting on thong diapers and trying to knock each other over.
This was simultaneously very horrifying and very arousing to watch. There were butts, but there were also diapers, and a heck of a lot of pixilation. While Shawn B. totally rocked it as expected, JJ made fun of Tony the Healer's nonexistent butt, and Tony the Healer lost it over yet another date that forced the men to fight each other.
"I view the world through the eyes of a child," he whined, for absolute real. "I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy!"
It's actually very hard to take an argument seriously when the participants are wearing sumo outfits, but Tony's got somewhat of a good if buried point: why have we just gotten two group dates in which the guys are supposed to beat each other up?
"We know Kaitlyn is funny," Cupcake explained as if you could easily replace the word "funny" with "asthmatic" or "an alien." "She just wants us to have a good time."
"Why can't we go to the zoo?!" Tony asked, because he really does see the world through the eyes of a child, apparently.
Tony chose not to participate in the actual competition. Instead, bitched and swore (an awful lot for what a beautiful spirit he supposedly has), and then he donned a camo hat and smelled a flower while he waited for Kaitlyn to come back so he could officially tell her he was leaving the show. Good for you, we say to Tony. Your gentle heart is too good for this show. Go back to your dogs and your bonsai trees and all the other things you love, and give JJ someone else to be an asshat to.
At the post-date cocktail party, JJ concerned himself with the fact that Clint had decided he wasn't going to talk to Kaitlyn himself, but was instead going to wait for her to come to him. Shawn B. took advantage of this moment to sweep Kaitlyn (and all of us) off of our feet (as if we could even be anymore swept).
"I've been thinking about you every day," says Shawn B., and to that we say, "Right back atcha!"
He got the rose, obviously, because Kaitlyn is a human being with eyes and ears, and all was right with the world.
Tonight's one-on-one was compliments of Chris Harrison, who not only picked out the date but he also picked out the guy. Turns out he's got very good taste in guys, because he chose hunky Ben Z.
We're not so sure about his taste in dates, however, because he sent Kaitlyn and Ben into a scary dark room from which they had to escape. There were bugs, there were birds, there were snakes, there was a dirty toilet, and it was generally horrible. Ben guided Kaitlyn through all the scary birds and confronted his fear of snakes to get them out safe and sound, and then they enjoyed a nice night of pizza and hottubbing before Kaitlyn doled out the rose.
Up next was our favorite thing ever: the guys had to teach sex-ed to children. While Kaitlyn revealed (to us) that the children were all child actors who were being paid to ask questions like, "what are the four bases?" and "what is a wet dream?," she did not reveal this little factoid to the guys. We ended up with Joshua calling a tampon a "tampen," and Ben H. blowing us all away with the most romantic story ever used to describe the process of a sperm finding its way to an egg. We've never been so attracted to a sperm, and we don't even feel weird about that sentence. That's how successful Ben H.'s sex-ed lesson truly was.
At the post-date shindig, Kaitlyn got up close and cozy with both Ben H. and Jared, during which time she revealed to us that she finds Jared's black eye (courtesy of Ben Z.) very hot, and kind of wants to punch him in the face again if it starts going away. Suddenly, Kaitlyn's date choices make SO MUCH SENSE, because this girl really is a fan of violence.
Despite Jared's sexy injury, Ben H. got the rose, and we approved.
At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party (So. Many. Cocktail Parties.), all of the guys warned Kaitlyn of how awful Clint and JJ are. Clint managed to win back her favor by telling her the sumo wrestlers sumo'd his balls away, but that favor was quickly shot down after the other guys explained to Kaitlyn that Clint is a giant douchebag.
And this was where that Brokeback Bachelor promo came from.
Clint not only professed his love for JJ several times, but he outright decided Kaitlyn was not the girl for him (due to him having to approach her instead of the other way around) and explained that he only wanted to stay so he could continue to hang out with JJ.
They bonded over their love of turtles, and the fact that the other guys are all stupid.
"I was wearing my power socks so I felt like I had the power," Clint says.
He also says things like, "Villains gonna vil."
JJ chimes in with calling the other guys "lemmings," because "one by one, they're walking off the cliff…because I'm chasing them."
"I feel like I'm dealing with a bunch of JV croquet players," JJ continues, while he and Clint deem the other men to be nothing more than boys.
With some help from literally every other guy still left on the show, Kaitlyn comes to realize that Clint has got to go. She drags him away for a serious convo and…the show ends.
Noooooo!
We should be used to this disappointment by now, but we're very positive that we would watch a three hour version of this show, because we're embarrassing people with an addiction to canned drama.
Anyway, the promo for next week promised much more of the Clint/JJ saga, but it also brought us all down with the imminent arrival of Nick V. (ugghhhh). We don't want it. We don't want it at all.
These are our feelings right now, expressed in a very scientific ranking of all the men remaining on the show:
Shawn B.
Ben Z.
Ben H.
Chris Harrison
Joe/Cupcake/Jared/Joshua/Justin/the others
Clint/JJ
Nick V.
Well, even if Nick is unfortunately back, we'll also be back, whether we want to be or not. (Who are we kidding? We want to be.)