Lindsay Scheinberg for E! OnlineHappy Wine Day, everyone! It's the most important holiday of the year! Yep, even more important than Christmas, because this is Winemas. It's a day to honor that special person who decided that squishing grapes would get us all drunk. That's how wine works, right?
Anyway, the team at E! Online is dedicated to keeping you guys up to date on all your wine needs, so we did a big taste test of 15 celebrity wines. In doing so we discovered a couple of things. Like, Dave Matthews can make a kickass wine! We also found out that Dave Matthews makes wine. Who knew? Learning things is fun.
So if you want completely honest, no-holding-back opinions on the wines from Nicki Minaj, Drew Barrymore, Lisa Vanderpump and many more stars trying their hands at the wine business, check out our reviews below. And just know that as wine experts, some of us know our stuff but most of us are basically Leslie Knope:
(Disclaimer: We did not taste test these wines in ideal conditions or in any manner specific to individual varieties. So, this was definitely not a professional, fancy wine tasting. Read these reviews with that in mind).
1. Gia Coppola's Pinot Noir
"Very light and super drinkable. Its the kind of wine that you just keep sipping until oopsy...you drank the whole bottle."
"Light, pomegranate."
"I don't know why, but I feel super fancy drinking this. I would serve this at a party and feel fancy in doing so."
"Tasted way too sour to me."
"Does-the-job kind of wine. Have only an hour to pregame that Tinder date? Gia Pinot Noir it is!"
"God awful. To steal a line from this John Oliver sketch: "taste like the scared urine of a rabbit.'"
"Also an easy-drinking red, but maybe a little too fruity for me."
"This is how I imagine the old brown water the kids get in The Goonies would taste."
2. Gia Coppola's Pinot Grigio
"It's a lay-by-the-pool-and-drink-too-much type of wine."
"This one was light and subtle, very unoffensive. Also crisp. I can see this one being appealing to people who don't really like wine."
"I was very into this. Perfect for say, a Memorial Day weekend BBQ. Just give me a straw."
"Better that the Gia Pinot but still not great. I think this has liquid smoke in it."
"My fave of the list. I could drink this all day."
"Fruity, slight crispness."
"Sharper than I would prefer for a Pinot Grigio."
3. Nicki Minaj's Myx Moscato
"These tastes like Sprite, I could easily drink five."
"If I was still in college, I would be all over this, every weekend. This would be my jam. Like, I'd play beer pong with these."
"Nicki Minaj won't stop rapping about this so I was excited to try it but it's way too sweet! I did not like it. Tasted like expired champagne mixed with Jolly Ranchers and Capri Sun."
"Makes me want to twerk, essentially tastes like flat Sprite."
"Capri Sun or wine?"
4. Drew Barrymore's Pinot Grigio
"Meh. It tastes expensive, though, if that's something you can actually taste."
"Pungent aftertaste and not in a good way."
"This one was good, I would buy it."
"Quite tasty but I think she's confused about what a Pinot Grigio should taste like. It's more like a Chardonnay."
"This was one of my favorites. So clean and crisp, great flavor. Tasted very expensive. Made me think of summer picnics in a field of sunflowers with Cameron Diaz (Drew Barrymore would do that, right?)."
"Amazing crisp wine, doesn't taste cheap."
"The way Pinot Grigio should taste—subtle but crisp. I would actually buy this and make her more rich."
"This one was actually good. Light and perfect for summer. I'd buy this if Trader Joe's offered it."
"I liked it because I like Drew and not liking it made me feel bad because she's a nice person."
"A close second fave. Clean and bright—just like Drew?"
"By far the best of the bunch. I'd buy a bottle of this."
5. Lisa Vanderpump's LVP Pink Sangria
"Tastes like cough syrup."
"This is too sweet and fruity! This is for children! I think I have fetal alcohol syndrome now."
"Pink, floral and in your face, just like Lisa Vanderpump!"
"Yuck, it's like super sweet, sugary glitter."
"Like a liquified version of a bouquet of flowers…but in a good way."
"Grapefruit cough syrup?"
"Tastes the way Anthropologie smells. Am I ingesting chemicals?"
"Not a fan."
6. Lisa Vanderpump's LVP Red Sangria
"Oof, this was rough. Sorry, Lisa. You're too fabulous to make wine like this. What happened?"
"NO JUST NO."
"LVP Sangria was like a sorority in a bottle. Love the monogram, and the taste was sweet for summer."
"Tastes like the way Giggy probably smells (gratingly rosy, that is)."
"This would make a great candle."
"Not good, not good at all. I'm pretty sure this is just grape juice poured in a fancy princess bottle."
Apparently Lisa Vanderpump wants us to know that her sangria is not comparable to "everyday wine." Noted:
.@eonline you can't compare @LVPsangria to everyday wine! It's a delicious sangria that even @HuffingtonPost called "Completely Addictive
— Lisa Vanderpump (@LisaVanderpump) May 26, 20157. Dave Matthews' Dreaming Tree Red
"Pretty decent full-bodied red."
"Delicious! Surprisingly delicious. Who knew?"
"I didn't want to like this but I do. I really do. Damn it, Dave Matthews."
"Tastes like red wine, which is a good start."
"A nice red. Would be great to drink relaxing around a campfire."
"This one was my favorite of all the wines I tasted. I would definitely drink this IRL. In fact, I might actually go out and buy it…like, tonight."
"I loved this red and I don't really like red wines. I imagine this going great with lots of meals."
"Full bodied, relaxed vibe, laying on the grass on Haight Street."
"Surprisingly (very surprisingly) yummy. Taste like a real wine."
8. Bethenny Frankel's Skinnygirl California White
"Surprisingly dry and mild…and good!"
"Didn't love it, but didn't hate it either. I'm neutral."
"Light and refreshing."
"Eh, like what a good Chardonnay would taste like if you took the flavor away. It's fine."
"I don't like Skinny Girl products and this wine confirmed that. This wine tastes like stale water. Actually, I don't really know what flavor Bethenny was going for when she concocted this mess of a wine."
"Unremarkable but I could go through the bottle easily—and then punch myself in the face afterwards."
"No. This tastes like old guacamole."
9. Bethenny Frankel's Skinnygirl California Rosé
"If I could draw the shrug emoticon here, I would. But it's what I expected from Skinny Girl."
"Ewwwww."
"OOF. It tastes like church wine."
"Nail polish remover-esque."
"I'm pretty sure every person I saw try this dumped their cup out immediately afterwards. The response was spot-on because this Rose has notes of kitchen cleaner and Clorox."
"I imagine Sally Hansen wine would taste like this"
10. Brandi Glanville's Unfiltered Blonde Chardonnay
"Too harsh for a Chardonnay, strange aftertaste."
"The second this hit my taste buds my brain wanted it out of my mouth, so that should tell you enough."
"I really loved this one, it was very oaky and tasted expensive. It's very Chardonnay-y so I can see people who don't like strong Chards disliking this one (also Team Brandi forever, sorry Kyle!)."
"Acidic, slightly venomous and leaves a bad aftertaste. So exquisitely Brandi."
"Very oaky. Not for me, but I'm not a chardonnay fan. I could see Vicki Gunvalson and Tamra Barney loving this, though."
"All I wrote down was 'NOOOOOOOOOOO.'"
11. Train's Drops of Jupiter California Red
"Points off because they are a crappy band…but they make a decent wine."
"I might have been too shocked to learn that Train made wine to really taste it because I actually liked this one."
"It had a bite to it, strong tannins."
"Tastes like the best soy latte that you've ever had."
"Subtle, good—I would pour another glass."
"This one has a bit of a kick to it but in a good way. I'd call it tangy."
"A very smooth, mild easy-drinking red."
"Good, a little too harsh though."
12. Train's Calling all Angels Chardonnay
"Buttery, but a little bland for a Chardonnay."
"I wouldn't kick it out of the wine cellar."
"It just tasted overpoweringly sweet but smooth, like that non-alcoholic sparkling apple cider you drink when you're a kid."
"Bland and stomach turning all at once."
"OK. Inoffensive but so boring. Tastes like church wine."
"NO."
13. Christina Milian's Viva Diva Moscato (Mango, Strawberry and Pineapple Coconut)
"I can feel myself getting cavities from the sugar."
"Great mango taste, very light and sweet makes me want to turn up!"
"White-bichon-frise-wearing-a-pink-rhinestone-collar-on-rodeo-drive kind of wine."
"I'm obsessed with incredibly sweet mine so I'll take nine of each, thanks!"
"Effervescent and not too sweet—thought it was raspberry so the fruit flavoring is very close to being on point."
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too sweet."
"Delish. 100 calories a glass and 6% alcohol, perfect for breakfast on a summers day."
"The mango one tastes like grapefruit juice."
"I'm ashamed to admit that I actually like this. I may be a little drunk."
"Takes me back to the days of stealing your parents wine coolers pretending that they don't taste awful with friends in high school."
"Viva Diva in all flavors was amazing, especially Strawberry. For a sparkling Moscato it wasn't too sweet, and went down nice and smooth.
14. Patti Stanger's PS: Match Chardonnay
"Hoity-toity moms in Orange County."
"Could have gone my whole life without drinking one single sip of that."
"Fine, but pretty forgettable."
"This is so watery. Pass."
"I would drink it if it was at an open bar, but I'd probably never order it."
15. Patti Stanger's PS: Match Sweet Red Rosso
"Also terrible. Patti's vineyard needs to be torched."
"Better than her white, but that's not saying much because to me, lukewarm well water is better than her white. Seriously, I hated that Chardonnay."
"From the bottle it looks like its going to be super super dark but it's actually sweet and light!"
"Sparkly green apples, light."
"We were all side eye-ing the name but actually this seems like something you order on a date, or even bring for a girls night in. It's sweet with a little bit of fizz, almost like a cocktail."
"Not bad for an ambiguous, generic red wine."
"Bottle is a bit misleading, over all one of my favorites. Super delicious sparkling red."
It was a tough job to taste test all these wines in the middle of a work day, but somebody had to do it.
You're welcome, America.
(Originally published on Mon., May. 25, 2015 at 8:00 AM PDT)