ABC/Rick RowelDumb dumb dumb.
That's how we're feeling about this crazy twist that sort of undermined the entire reason The Bachelorette is so great. We like watching the woman have the power. We always love The Bachelor, but it's refreshing to watch the woman make all the decisions while a bunch of guys fight over her. It's thrilling to us, like a terrible fantasy we would never actually want to live.
So it just feels…weird for a season of girl power to start with the guys still making the decision. Chris Harrison's explanation of getting such a mixed reaction from the guys that the producers decided to let them decide just didn't sit right with us, mostly because we were still operating under the illusion that the suitors were picked for the star, not the other way around.
Watching the men actually get out of the car and meet the ladies just solidified how uncomfortable we feel about this whole thing, like it was just a way to make Kaitlyn and Britt jealous of each other while the men couldn't stop drooling.
We've never been shy about the fact that we're big Kaitlyn fans (or at least this particular writer is—there's a bit of dissent among the E! Online TV team), and we just felt bad for her most of the first hour as the men seemed to flock to Britt. Things did seem to change as the episode went on, however, and the playing field seemed to even itself out.
In other news, one of the guys kissed a plant goodbye in his intro package, so at least these men seem entertainingly crazy enough to help us forget about the twist as soon as this stupid vote is over.
In terms of risky but overall successful moves, JJ stood out with his "I'd like to puck you" joke to Kaitlyn, while plant-kisser Tony made the mistake of saying the exact same BS about his views on love to both women.
"I'm sorry for being awesome," said Ryan the overly drunk a--hole right before Shawn, the amateur sex coach, showed up in his hot tub car and Chris rolled up in a cupcake, and we remembered why we love these shows so dang much: They're completely insane.
Then, the men had a chance to sit around and make gross comments about which woman they would rather marry. One guy expressed his desire for a "trophy wife" (Britt) while Kaitlyn was just a "normal wife."
A couple of guys did make a big beautiful first impression on us, at least, and made us think maybe this season won't be the worst. Clint drew an incredible, awe-inspiring picture of Chris Harrison holding a rose and riding a Triceratops (see above), while Shawn B./Ryan Gosling x10 (our pick for the winner) brought an adorable picture his nephew had drawn of Kaitlyn and convinced us right then and there to fall in love with him.
The men were supposed to cast their vote by placing a rose in a box, but everyone got very distracted by one very drunk jerkface named Ryan M.
He slapped Kaitlyn on the ass, deemed her "Ryan approved," took off all his clothes, asked if this was the "Gay Bachelor," and asked another man, "Why am I not raping you right now?"
Luckily for us and everyone involved in this show and also the entire world, Chris Harrison took matters into his own hands and kicked Ryan off the show hopefully before he even picked a rose-shaped hole for his rose-shaped rose.
The other guys, however, did get to pick boxes for their roses and we felt like we were watching a strange version of Survivor where everyone was well-fed and wearing make-up. Chris Harrison even pulled a full Jeff Probst when he said, "I'll go tally the votes!" and we've got some new ideas for what the next season of Bachelor in Paradise (our actual new favorite show) should be like.
The rest of the show was filled with the guys expressing the fact that it must really suck to be Britt or Kaitlyn right now, because they probably want to know who "wins" even more than any of the guys do, which is a truly revolutionary thought. Kaitlyn was worried. Britt was worried. The guys had some time to think about what a wife means to them, and the more wondering we heard about, the more easily we were able to predict the end of the episode: a big fat "To Be Continued" spread across the screen. It might as well have said "F---k You, Losers!" for how offended we were by it.
Literally the only thing that made it better was the excuse to use this, our current favorite gif:
We have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow night, but we kind of hope it involves Shawn B. getting eliminated so he can call us.
What did you think of the premiere? Did you want to throw up a little bit? Are you totally disgusted and yet also completely invested? Let us know in the comments!
CLICK: Which guy will win The Bachelorette? Our picks might surprise you!